Don’t worry, dear reader—we have to wait only 1,467 days, give or take, until the next exhilarating installment of Olympic skeleton, arguably the greatest sport of our time, inarguably better than dumbass luge. In the meantime, take solace by reflecting on the explosion of athleticism and drama we witnessed, with track records obliterated and excellent helmets proudly displayed. Clutch the memories tight, like you would a tiny piece of metal shielding your body from the unrelenting hardness of ice. Here are the moments I’ll remember fondly during the long wait for more skeleton.
1. Great Britain’s Lizzy Yarnold secured her second Olympic gold medal during the women’s finals, becoming the first women’s skeleton athlete to defend gold.
2. Germany’s Jacqueline Loelling took silver, and Yarnold’s Great Britain teammate Laura Deas took bronze.
3. Yarnold named her sled Mervyn, which is the most British thing I’ve ever heard. In fact, that sentence is so British that immediately after I typed it I started eating a biscuit and feeling melancholy about Diana.
4. On the men’s side, South Korea’s “Iron Man” Yun Sung-bin took gold as an adoring crowd cheered him on. I cheered, too. He’s South Korea’s first Olympic medalist slider, and seems like a cool dude.
5. I am slightly concerned that South Korea has reportedly crowned him the “skeleton emperor,” which sounds, uh, a little aggressive. Stay normal, Yun!
6. Also on the men’s side, Nikita Tregubov, who is from Russia, took silver. Great Britain’s Dom Parsons took bronze.
7. Ghana’s first-ever Olympic slider, Akwasi Frimpong, made history and had fun at the same time. We’re friends now, in my head.
8. I asked Ringer editor-in-chief Sean “No Fun” Fennessey if I could try the “skeleton experience” at Lake Placid, New York, as part of my unparalleled skeleton coverage of these Pyeongchang Olympics, so as to relay firsthand what it is like to hurtle one’s body headfirst down an icy chute, passing along intimate knowledge of the art, sport, and religious experience of skeleton to our faithful readers.
9. He said no.
10. The American athletes didn’t medal this year, but they won gold in my heart for stirring up drama amongst their competitors, with women’s slider Katie Uhlaender commenting on Great Britain’s uniforms. Now that Great Britain has come away with the most medals, the controversy over its super aerodynamic racing suits is unlikely to disappear. In my opinion, everyone should skeleton naked for an added challenge. The ancient Olympians would have wanted it that way.
Until next time. Remember: Strangers are just friends you haven’t talked to about skeleton yet.