Dear Hollywood executives,
Warner Bros. Pictures released the trailer for Pokémon Detective Pikachu on Monday. The upcoming film, starring Ryan Reynolds as the voice of Pikachu, appears to be a real, full-length motion picture—one which cost a considerable sum of actual money to produce and release to a general audience—rather than a half-remembered snippet from a weird dream I had while recovering from wisdom tooth extraction. To which I say: Congratulations on embracing California’s cannabis culture!
I’m hoping this message reaches you while you’re still in a green-lighting mood, as I’ve prepared some elevator pitches for potential franchises, inspired by the assumed future blockbuster success of Detective Pikachu:
Sergeant Sonic
Hedgehog. Speed runner. Friend. … Decorated officer in the United States military? That’s right, Sonic is a veteran, and this time around, he’s less concerned with Dr. Eggman’s antics and more concerned with securing comprehensive post-deployment benefits for his fellow soldiers. (Sonic is voiced by Bradley Cooper.)
Crash Bandicoot, M.D.
He was born a genetically enhanced marsupial, he grew up as an adventurer, but he worked to become an accredited medical doctor. Crash is back, and this time, his greatest foe isn’t Dr. Neo Cortex, it’s the frailty of the human body.
Spyro the Firefighter
After Spyro tries to fight fire with fire and ends up accidentally burning down a protected forest, the judge gives him two options: jail … or the firefighting academy.
The Digital Ledger of Zelda
Link gets really into cryptocurrency and decides that Bitcoin inventor Satoshi Nakamoto holds the key to finding the princess. Unfortunately for Link, he’s not the only one searching for Satoshi, and he soon enters into a fraught alliance with a trio of business journalists. (Timothée Chalamet stars as Link.)
Super Mario: A Landlord’s Tale
Mario (Bobby Cannavale) inherits an apartment building from a distant relative. He’s got plumbing down solid, but fails to provide adequate heating. A rent strike ensues.
Super Mario Run
In the aftermath of the strike, Mario is chased out of town by the angry tenants. He finds shelter by subletting on Craigslist from a man who makes him wonder whether the renters had been right all along. His name? Wario.
Super Mario Party
To make amends with his renters and celebrate the defeat of Wario, Mario decides to throw a party to raise money for proper renovations of their units. Mario provides psilocybin mushrooms to his guests in an effort to repair the landlord-tenant bond, which seems like a good idea … until Apartment Inspector Bowser swings by for an unannounced check-in. Mamma mia!
PAC Man
Pac-Man gets a new job fundraising for Citizens United. Forget escaping the little ghosts—now, Pac-Man’s biggest challenge is looking himself in the mirror. (Catherine Keener plays Ms. Pac-Man.)
Minecraft: The Union Rises
The miners unionize to demand scheduled cost-of-living raises.
Those are my ideas. Based on Detective Pikachu, I’m guessing you’re primarily interested in live-action films with a CGI component. That is acceptable, but it’s imperative to the integrity of the Mario Bros. brand that all plumbing stunts be performed manually.
Best,
Kate
