In the Equalizer franchise, Denzel Washington’s Robert McCall is only as deadly as his day job allows him to be—the purview from which the man can equalize and inflict enormous amounts of pain to those who deserve it. In the first Equalizer movie, McCall worked at “Home Mart” (read: definitely a Home Depot, but I guess the studio couldn’t get the rights because the company didn’t want their name plastered on a movie where multiple goons are murdered in a home-improvement store) and sipped tea in diners before springing into lethal action.
Obviously, with Denzel making his first sequel with The Equalizer 2, they weren’t just going to recycle that plot; no, for this film, McCall must equalize from a new occupation while delivering different but equally engaging thrills. And so Robert McCall is now … [squints] a Lyft driver?!
It’s one thing to see two-time Oscar winner Denzel Washington snapping necks in high-waisted pants you’re more likely to see on your dad’s best friend, but the dude is also a discount chauffeur. And yet, it’s also kind of brilliant. What better way for McCall to equalize as much as humanly possible than to drive around with different passengers all day in Boston?
But what would it be like to have the Equalizer himself as your Lyft driver? We’ve got an answer. The Ringer can exclusively reveal internal Lyft reviews from various passengers during McCall’s shifts—up until the man mysteriously vanished from the app.
Sam Rubinstein
Ever since Robert first drove me to the local copy store from my senior citizen home, I have always used him as a driver on the app. He adheres to the speed limit and seems to be the only person that believes I’ll be able to find my long-lost sister, who I was separated from during the Holocaust. Sometimes, Robert will stop by and visit me when I don’t even need Lyft rides just to kick back and stare at the ocean. It surprises me this doesn’t bore him. He also laughed when I said “Lyft-off!” when he picked me up once, a joke I’d been practicing for a week. He’s more than a Lyft driver—he’s a friend.
Good Navigation: Yes
Friendly Driver: Yes
Clean Car: Yes
Fun Conversation: Yes
Rating: 5 Stars
The Job Interviewee
I was really, really nervous about the job interview I had set up on the other part of town. While he didn’t say anything to me, Robert didn’t mind that I was frantically going over my notes and talking to myself in the backseat. At least I didn’t think so. He seems really into his watch—he was timing himself between stoplights, which was a bit weird and slightly distracting—like, dude, are you in a race or something? Maybe this guy is just really into time management? Anyway, I tanked the job interview.
Good Navigation: Yes
Friendly Driver: Yes
Clean Car: Yes
Fun Conversation: No
Rating: 3 Stars
The College Acceptee
I GOT INTO MY EARLY DECISION AND IMMEDIATELY PHONED MY MOM!!! My driver, whatever his name was, was fine. He seemed to have really bad hygiene; I’m not sure why his hands and fingers were smeared with some reddish stuff. Ugh, he was probably eating a hot dog before picking me up. Gross. Whatever, I made it home. And I’m going to Vassar!!
Good Navigation: Yes
Friendly Driver: Yes
Clean Car: No
Fun Conversation: No
Rating: 4 Stars
The Enlisted Soldier
I’m being deployed to Iraq, and I used the app to get to the airport. Robert said he’d be there to pick me up when I return home. Perhaps he has a background in the military? Maybe it didn’t mean that much to him, but getting those final words of encouragement before getting on the flight was exactly what I needed. I’ll be sure to look out for him when I’m back home.
Good Navigation: Yes
Friendly Driver: Yes
Clean Car: Yes
Fun Conversation: Yes
Rating: 5 Stars
Three Tiny Children
Hello! We are three tiny children. The nice man drove us to school in his car. The teachers said it was very weird that mommy and daddy let us go to school in the car with a stranger. But Mr. Robert is super nice! He gave us candy and bags that smelled funny! He said the bags are for tea. We think tea is gross. But we like Mr. Robert.
Good Navigation: Yes
Friendly Driver: Yes
Clean Car: Yes
Fun Conversation: Yes
Rating: 5 Stars
Fratbro McDouche
I was trying to be a really good guy, calling the Lyft to get this chick who interns at our firm home ’cause she was super messed up. Then this Robert guy came back and told us she was at the hospital, and that her name is Amy? Like, whatever dude. Next thing I know, he’s just beating up my buddies and uses one of their fancy credit cards as a weapon. I was pretty scared, man! He made me do the Star Trek hand-sign thing …
It really hurt my fingers, but he said if I don’t give him a five-star review he’ll come back and beat the shit out of me. If you’re reading this, please don’t come back. I’m deleting the app after this.
Good Navigation: No
Friendly Driver: No
Clean Car: No
Fun Conversation: No
Rating: 5 Stars
The Hired Gun
This review is currently incomplete because the connection was lost halfway through the ride. Lyft is currently working to resolve this issue and will offer updates as soon as they are available.
Good Navigation: N/A
Friendly Driver: N/A
Clean Car: N/A
Fun Conversation: N/A
Rating: N/A
