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“Taylor Swift Smuggled out of Her Apartment in a Massive Suitcase” Is the Story We Want, Need, and Deserve

The truth is out there (and very possibly in a large, black box)

(Getty Images/Ringer illustration)
(Getty Images/Ringer illustration)

Hello. It is my duty and also my great pleasure to share with you what may be, in this year of (a) very many news stories and (b) intensely fascinating and possibly concerning revelations about the habits of famous people, the single most wonderful news story about a famous person. Here you go, friends:

Taylor Swift has reportedly been carried out of her house in this massive suitcase. Taylor Swift has reportedly been carried out of her house in this massive suitcase. Taylor Swift has reportedly been carried out of her house in this massive suitcase!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t you feel like you have X-ray vision? Can’t you just see her in there, folded up with bangs askew, squeaking as her handlers bump down the sidewalk? Is one of her cats in there? Are both of her cats in there? Did she bring a blanket for comfort’s sake? Maybe a bottle of water? Isn’t it getting awfully warm in there? Taylor Swift, but in a box. Has anything ever felt so divinely true?

Anyway: The Swift-in-Suitcase yarn traces back to a photo from celebrity goings-on purveyor Splash News that apparently was taken on Monday outside T-Swift’s New York residence. Per an Irish radio station’s screencap of the Splash News photo, it is — or was — captioned “Taylor Swift being transported in a huge suitcase from her Tribecca [sic] apartment into her truck.” Does this description later go on to call the artist formerly known as beloved “Tailor”? Yes. Should you doubt its veracity because of this? I know which world I would rather live in, but I leave the decision up to you.

Splash News later amended its description of the photo so that it read a significantly more hedged “Taylor Swift has been reportedly being transported in a huge suitcase from her Tribecca [sic, still] apartment into her truck.” Do you get to use the word “reportedly” if you’re the source of the reports? I don’t think so, but there are no rules in vaguely persuasive rumors that I would like to believe are true. THEN Splash News went so far as to actually formally retract the story: “The report stated it as a fact, which we actually don’t know,” a Splash representative told Spin. “How could we?” They’ve attempted to blame it on the photographer — “not really a regular photographer that we use,” in their words — to which I have a very simple question: Why would you make up the fact that the corporeal person of Taylor Swift was being toted to and fro in a magnificently spacious suitcase if it weren’t true? I am willing to trust Not Really A Regular Photographer We Use; perhaps there are special NRARPWU sources. So let’s consider the evidence.

Here is the proof supporting the theory that Taylor Swift is being carried around by her bodyguards in a large, magician-ish suitcase:

  • The box is roughly person-size, if that person were scrunched up and not in the habit of consuming very many Whoppers, which probably we can assume Taylor Swift is not.
  • It is undoubtedly very annoying to have photographers chasing you at all times and waiting for you to make an unflattering facial expression or trip over a trash bag or yell about the subway or something. I bet, if you were such a person, you would think about how to get from point A to point B without encountering photographers.
  • There have been rumors of her traveling inboxnito before, like this May post in esteemed publication Celeb Dirty Laundry that pointed to the arrival of a mysterious “padlocked black box” that “led fans to believe that it’s Taylor herself hiding in the box.”

Here is the proof against the theory that Taylor Swift is being carried around by her bodyguards in a large, magician-ish suitcase:

  • Lots of non-Taylor things might be carried around in a gigantic, fortified suitcase, like new music (per nouveau Lannister Ed Sheeran) or large and flamboyant ballgowns or (I’m just spitballing here) that anemic-looking guy she’s supposedly dating whose name I can’t remember.
  • It would be awfully uncomfortable. (A not-quite-ingenious-enough Welshman tried to mail himself in a box from Australia to the U.K. in the 1960s. He ended up in Los Angeles by mistake and a very scared baggage handler thought he was dead. He was not! The BBC made a diagram; box-sitting for any length of time seems very unpleasant.)
  • It’s a pretty weird thing to do.
  • The sourcing is extremely dubious and this is almost certainly made up.

Anyway, let us enjoy the bounty as well as the horror of this post-truth hellscape that we inhabit, and appreciate this moment — Taylor Swift Carried in Big Box, Maybe, Who Can Say — as the happy zenith of 2017 celebrity news. Congratulations, everybody.