By Andrew Gruttadaro and Sam Schube
In an age when no one can agree on anything, we can all agree on this much: The Wire is one of the best shows in the history of television. But ask which season of The Wire is the best, and we fall back into disagreement. Each season (save the fifth and final) has its partisans, and each faction can present strong evidence in their favor. But we’re not here to rank the seasons of The Wire. That’s a fool’s errand. (OK, fine: 3, 2, 4, 1, 5.) We’re here to ask a question, and provide you some answers: Which season of The Wire are you? We’ve pulled together 10 questions — about this show, about other shows, about things that have nothing to do with television. Your answers to those questions will determine which season best represents your personality. Are you the steward of the dockworkers union? Maybe you’re reading Robert’s Rules of Order at a meeting. And maybe — just maybe — you made up a serial killer to get extra doughnuts at work. The quiz reveals all.
It’s simple: Each answer to the following questions have been assigned a point value, so answer them honestly (Omar will know if you lie) and tally up your points. At the end, we’ll tell you which season of The Wire you are, based on how many points you racked up. Got it? Good. Go forth.
1. What’s your favorite Omar Little moment?
A. Taking the witness stand while wearing a perfect tie (1 pt.)
B. Jumping out of a fourth-story window to make his escape (5 pts.)
C. Asking where the Honey Nut Cheerios are (4 pts.)
D. Any time he whistles “Farmer in the Dell” (2 pts.)
E. His standoff with Brother Mouzone (3 pts.)
2. What are your general feelings about children?
A. They’re the source of all my joy! (1 pt.)
B. I believe the children are our future (2 pts.)
C. Eh (3 pts.)
D. Why won’t they stop crying on the goddamn subway? (4 pts.)
E. Earth’s population is growing at an unsustainable rate (5 pts.)
3. Pick a pet:
A. A pit bull named Barksdale (1 pt.)
B. A cat named Wee-Bey (2 pts.)
C. A ferret named Carcetti (3 pts.)
D. A snake named Stringer (4 pts.)
E. A parakeet named McNulty (5 pts.)
4. The door of the elevator you’re in is closing as someone frantically runs toward it, screaming, “HOLD THE DOOR!” You:
A. Lunge for the “Open” button (4 pts.)
B. Stay completely still (1 pt.)
C. Make a token effort toward the “Open” button so it looks like you care (3 pts.)
D. Courageously jam your right arm into the opening (2 pts.)
E. Wait until the door closes on the person, then look around to the rest of the elevator riders and make a bad joke (5 pts.)
5. Which section of the newspaper do you read first?
A. National (3 pts.)
B. Sports (4 pts.)
C. Business (1 pt.)
D. Arts (2 pts.)
E. I don’t read the newspaper (5 pts.)
6. You’re eating dinner at a midlevel Mexican chain restaurant with a group of six friends when the bill comes. You know you ordered three more margaritas than anyone else at the table. As everyone reaches for their wallets, you:
A. Say nothing and let everyone split the bill equally (2 pts.)
B. Speak up and demand that the bill be itemized (3 pts.)
C. Announce, “You know, I did get more margs than everyone,” in the hopes that merely acknowledging the situation remedies the debt (4 pts.)
D. Promise that you’ll Venmo everyone the difference (while knowing that you most definitely will not do this) (5 pts.)
E. Pay for the entire dinner (1 pt.)
7. Who is your favorite ‘Sopranos’ character?
A. Tony (1 pt.)
B. Carmela (2 pts.)
C. Uncle Junior (3 pts.)
D. Paulie Walnuts (4 pts.)
E. Christopher (5 pts.)
F. The Russian lady with one leg (0 pts.)
8. You’re a local politician pursuing a funding increase for your area public schools. A state senator offers to champion your bill in exchange for $100,000 delivered in a duffel bag. You:
A. Reject the bribe and contact appropriate law enforcement to report it (1 pt.)
B. Counter with a smaller bribe amount (3 pts.)
C. Immediately pull a duffel bag stuffed with $100,000 from behind your desk (4 pts.)
D. After hours of agonized internal debate, decide to pay the bribe (2 pts.)
E. Reject the bribe, but only after implicating a number of coworkers and loved ones in the plot (5 pts.)
9. Pick a Pusha T song about the drug trade:
A. “Drug Dealers Anonymous” (5 pts.)
B. “Nosetalgia” (1 pt.)
C. “Move That Dope” (2 pts.)
D. “Numbers on the Board” (4 pts.)
E. “Keep Dealing” (3 pts.)
10. Is it all in the game?
A. It’s all in the game. (1 pt.)
B. It’s all in the game. (2 pts.)
C. It’s not all in the game. (5 pts.)
D. It’s all in the game. (3 pts.)
E. It’s all in the game. (4 pts.)
Add up the points you earned from each question to get your score. Once you have your score, click on the sentence below that contains your score. It will tell you which season of The Wire you are.
I scored between 10 and 17 points.
I scored between 18 and 25 points.
I scored between 26 and 33 points.
I scored between 34 and 41 points.
I scored between 42 and 50 points.
You can stream the entirety of The Wire on HBO GO and HBO NOW.
Disclosure: HBO is an initial investor in The Ringer.