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What Happens in ‘The Bachelor’ Fantasy Suite Doesn’t Stay There

Raven filmed a morning-after music video, plus awards from Episode 9

(ABC)
(ABC)

There are only two good sports in the world. One is that awesome handball thing from the Olympics. The other is The Bachelor, a show that features 30 women competing to gain as many Instagram followers as they can before they’re eliminated by a slightly above-average guy who once got dumped on national television. This year is the best yet, because the Bachelor, Nick Viall, got dumped on The Bachelorette … twice! Every Tuesday we’ll be telling you who, uh, rose to the occasion on the previous night’s episode. So read on, because THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THEY HAVE SEX.

Best Experience: Raven

The Bachelor is not subtle about what happens in the fantasy suite. The only reason they call it “the fantasy suite” is because apparently the producer who kept yelling, “CALL IT THE SEX EPISODE,” got fired.

Last week’s episode came to a climax when Raven went into the fantasy suite with Nick after saying she’d never, uh, come to a climax before. We left on a cliff-hanger: Did Nick give her the first orgasm of her life?

Here is how The Bachelor answered that question:

Congrats to Nick. Because this is what we know of his sexual history: He had sex with Andi, who broke up with him soon thereafter; he had sex with Kaitlyn, who later admitted she regretted having sex with him and broke up with him; he had sex with Liz, who ghosted him until he got his own TV show. If the show’s unsubtle hints are to be believed, this is a MAJOR breakthrough for Nick.

Best Dogs: All the Reindeer

(ABC)
(ABC)

Shout-out to the Lapland Tourism Bureau for urging The Bachelor to include as many reindeer as possible in this episode.

Largest Writing on the Wall: Vanessa

I think Vanessa is the front-runner here. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two Bachelor people having as much fun as Vanessa and Nick did on their date in Monday’s episode, when they ran back and forth between a sauna and an ice bath.

I also think Vanessa’s relationship with Nick is doomed, and not just because she didn’t film a campy music video after they (probably) boned. The two seem perpetually displeased by each other’s answers to serious questions; Nick won’t commit to moving to Canada — “I’m proud to be an American,” he said out loud, as a bald eagle chugged a Budweiser and set off smuggled fireworks in the background — and Vanessa won’t even commit to missing a Sunday lunch with her family.

Maybe what I’m watching is people who actually like each other? They seemed to genuinely enjoy each other’s company in a natural way I’m not used to seeing on this show; they also have issues that sound a lot like issues actual partners have.

Remember: Only two of the winning couples on this show are still in a relationship with each other; and that includes Ben and Lauren from last year. The odds are against Nick and Vanessa, but maybe they have a chance?

Best Morning-After Fashion: Rachel’s Penguin Onesie

(ABC)
(ABC)

Although I kinda wish the Lapland Tourism Bureau had provided her with a reindeer onesie. It’s the wrong pole for penguins!

Aside: One of the tenets of The Episode Where They Have Sex is one of the sex-havers will dramatically close the door on a cameraman. If I ran the show, I’d also flash the words “THEY’RE BANGING” in psychedelic lettering at the top of the show. What if somebody doesn’t get it?!

Except the show never showed Rachel and Nick closing the door … and then it came back from a commercial break with an image of Rachel and Nick from the exact same angle, wearing fewer clothes, in the morning.

(ABC)
(ABC)

Yo, did the show just film them for six hours? Does somebody at ABC have a sex tape they’re holding on to as blackmail?

Most Peaceful Breakup: Rachel

I think we all knew Rachel was going to get sent home on this episode. ABC had announced her as the next Bachelorette weeks ago, and if she stayed on for another week, it would have removed all the suspense from the show’s finale. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who got the sense ABC wouldn’t be willing to kneecap its own finale.

Still, Nick and Rachel cried after the breakup like a couple of fools. Didn’t they hear the news?

Most Confusing Decisions: Everybody Involved in the “Women Tell All” Special Besides Nick, Chris Harrison, and the Women

Monday night was a three-hour Bachelor special: one hour of the actual show and two hours of the “Women Tell All” special. I love The Bachelor. Three hours is too much Bachelor. I spent the last 45 minutes watching college basketball on my computer.

But if you must know, here’s what happened: Liz, previously best known for having had sex with Nick but not giving him her number and then trying to get on television, gave two genuinely compelling stump speeches about womanhood. Kristina got a standing ovation for being an orphan (???). A lot of people yelled things at each other. Corinne said a lot of things that were easily proved inaccurate by things that were filmed and broadcast on national television. Taylor asked for an apology from Corinne for saying things that hurt her career as a mental health counselor, Corinne refused to apologize, Taylor apologized to Corinne, Corinne yelled, “THANK YOU,” and everybody moved on. A lot of girls asked Nick why he broke up with them, and the answer was always: “Well, I liked other people more.” Thrilling stuff.

However, what truly interests me is the way people behave around the “Women Tell All.” It’s filmed in front of a crowd, many of whom wore “MAKE CORINNE GREAT AGAIN” shirts and hats, one of whom wore a bedazzled shirt that said “VAGINE.” Does The Bachelor buy these things for audience members to make the show look organically popular? Did these people pay for their custom Bachelor attire?

And … can I buy some? I would gladly wear an “ASPIRING DOLPHIN TRAINER” T-shirt.