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How Tom Brady’s Jersey Theft Explains Donald Trump’s Presidency

It’s an international plot featuring appearances from Robert Kraft, James Comey, and Vladimir Putin. Get your tinfoil hat ready.

(Getty Images/Ringer illustration)
(Getty Images/Ringer illustration)

Let’s go over some facts.

— In 2015, Tom Brady won the Super Bowl and later realized he could not find his jersey. Bummer.

— In 2017, Tom Brady won the Super Bowl again, and, perhaps remembering that his last Super Bowl jersey had mysteriously disappeared, he took special care to place this one in his personal bag after the game. Then he stepped away from the bag to remove his eye black, and upon returning noticed that the jersey had been taken from the bag.

— Upon cross-referencing video of the locker room with images of people who were credentialed to cover the Super Bowl, Patriots security and the FBI identified the man who took the jersey as Martin Mauricio Ortega. Ortega was a Mexican media executive who had recently quit his job and bragged at the Super Bowl about how he was using a press credential even though he had no intentions of covering the event. When Mexican officials searched his home, they found the 2015 and 2017 Brady jerseys as well as a helmet from last year’s Super Bowl believed to have been worn by Von Miller.

— Brady’s jersey theft is not the only example of international Super Bowl memorabilia theft. On a 2005 business trip, Patriots owner Robert Kraft showed a Super Bowl ring to Russian leader Vladimir Putin, who apparently thought that Kraft was giving it to him as a gift and walked away with it in his pocket.

— On Monday — the same day the FBI investigation yielded the return of Brady’s jerseys — FBI Director James Comey told the House Intelligence Committee during a meeting about President Donald Trump’s ties to Russia that he hates the New England Patriots and wants them to lose every time they play, no matter who the opponent is. It was part of a metaphor — Comey explained that his hatred for the Patriots is like Russian leader Vladimir Putin’s hatred for Hillary Clinton, which explains why the Russians made a concerted effort to help defeat Clinton.

— The day before the FBI investigation yielded the jerseys and Comey said he hated the Patriots, Kraft (a longtime Trump supporter) flew on Air Force One with the president and spent time with him at the White House.

These are the facts. What follows next is conjecture — and I believe the only logical explanation for what happened to Brady’s jerseys, and what is currently happening in the United States of America.

— The Brady jersey theft and subsequent recovery was a false flag operation meant to establish the legitimacy of the usage of the FBI to recover internationally waylaid Super Bowl memorabilia.

— Trump and Kraft personally directed the scheme and its execution. Comey “hates the Patriots” because the duo has usurped his power, diverting the attention of the FBI toward finding and retrieving items lost or stolen from Patriots employees.

— The entire premise of Trump’s presidency is to help Kraft recover his ring from Putin. Past White Houses had told Kraft that recovering the ring wasn’t worth complicating the relationship between America and Russia. So Kraft talked Trump, a 70-year-old with no previous political interest, into running for president. After Trump repairs the relationship between the two countries, Kraft will get his ring back.

This might sound outlandish. But do you have a better explanation for the FBI recovering a Patriots player’s jersey from a foreign country while the head of the FBI cites his hatred of the Patriots to help explain the relationship between a hostile foreign power and a president who is friends with the owner of the Patriots? No, I really don’t think any of us do.