In between fairly mundane stories about Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey and Emily Ratajkowski’s butt, TMZ published the most compelling celebrity story of the week (I know it’s only Monday, but that is how confident I feel about this assertion): Former Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin and Scandal president and Belko Experiment murderer Tony Goldwyn went to Disneyland with Abedin’s 5-year-old son. There is (admittedly stalker-ish) video evidence of their trip to the Happiest Place on Earth:
And I have about a thousand questions. I won’t inundate you with all of them, but these are the most pressing:
Does this mean Huma and Fitz from Scandal are dating?
Follow-up question: Do platonic friends go to Disneyland? I feel like probably not. As far as I know, Disneyland primarily exists so that famous couples can shut it down for their children’s birthdays and vow renewals. Disneyland is where celebs go when it’s Real.
But hold up, isn’t Tony Goldwyn married?
How did Huma and Tony meet? Did Huma Google “Hotter Anthony Weiner”?
Does Anthony Weiner now have Google alerts set for “Tony Goldwyn”?
Yes or no: Is Olivia Pope currently on her way to Los Angeles to break this up?
Or wait, did Olivia actually set this up?
What are the chances, right now, that Tony Goldwyn thinks he’s actually the president of the United States?
Can there be an alternate-universe ‘Scandal’ episode where Olivia and Huma leave Fitz for one another and run the country, scandal-less?
Did Huma see ‘The Belko Experiment’?
Or! Maybe that’s how they ended up at Disneyland!
Tony: “Hey, Huma, wanna go see my new movie this weekend?”
Huma: [looks around room, sees Goofy stuffed animal on the floor] “WHAT ABOUT DISNEYLAND INSTEAD?!”
How did they decide who got to sit in the front on the log-flume ride?
Who are those other people on the log-flume ride?
And where is Huma’s son?!
Is Huma possibly obsessed with mint chocolate chip ice cream?
The cone she got at Disneyland was not her first, no sirree.
At any point when Huma was eating her ice cream, do you think Tony put on his director hat and tried to get her to appear on camera?
And do you think Huma hit him back with the “Do I look camera ready?”
Why did Winnie the Pooh try to curve Huma’s son?
Look at this:
Pooh wanted a cigarette SO BAD.
Do you think Tony was allowed to bring his cellphone to Disneyland?
No f**king way, right?
Am I using all of this as a distraction from deep, crushing, existential dread?
Don’t answer that.