The Bachelor, usually so great at stirring up drama, can often feel a little stale. Just look at Monday’s “After the Final Rose” show to see the season running out of steam in real time. Bill Simmons and Juliet Litman shared their ideas to keep the show interesting on the latest Bachelor Party podcast.
Listen to the full podcast here. This transcript has been edited and condensed.
Shake Up the Post-‘Bachelor’ Show
Bill Simmons: That show just desperately needs a sense of humor and somebody to grill them and push them —
Juliet Litman: Especially with Nick and Vanessa.
Simmons: Yeah, and Nick — I think there’s something, there’s a sense of humor lurking in there somewhere that he’s suppressing. But the combo of them and with Chris Harrison interviewing them that was like, even [my daughter] Zoe — we were letting her stay up late — was like “I’m gonna go to bed.” It was like, 10:40. Like she passed up being able to stay up late.
Litman: That’s amazing. That’s like the most insulting thing that could happen.
Simmons: Chris Harrison [is] like a terrible sideline reporter. [He’s] like, “Juliet, how much does winning The Bachelor mean to you?” It’s like just these questions you can’t even answer.
Litman: I think another good move would be to find out who Nick really liked of the women like that were eliminated in the first half of the season.
Simmons: Any regrets.
Litman: Just ask deeper questions about what went on. Less about the future of their relationship. Once you get to “After the Final Rose,” people are just divesting from these two. It’s so more about the season on the whole.
Simmons: Oh, almost like a director’s commentary on the year. “Hey, Nick, we’re gonna show you 10 moments from The Bachelor. Can you give us your thoughts retroactively on this, this, this and this?”
Litman: As a major consumer of reality television, one of my favorite tropes of the genre is at the end of the season when they give you like a postmortem on what everyone’s up to. I love that in Real Housewives, like, I’m furious when I don’t get it when Lisa Vanderpump is opening her fourth restaurant and she still loves dogs.
Simmons: That is true, that could’ve have been the last 20 minutes.
Litman: Just tell me what everyone’s up to. What are their weird endorsements? Have they moved since being on the show? [What’s] the most awkward thing that happened to them since it’s been airing? All that stuff is so much more interesting than the future of Nick and Vanessa. They’re obviously breaking up, they can’t even choose a city to live in. … I guess they could also do that on “The Women Tell All,” but that’s also a waste of an hour. All this stuff would just be better if it was, like, more behind the scenes.
Make a Celebrity Edition
Simmons: So I thought of something yesterday. Because January Jones has come out as a real Bachelor fanatic.
Litman: She wants to be on it.
Simmons: So I think that’s really interesting. Would you want her as the Bachelorette or would you rather have her just as a contestant?
Litman: Oooh. Interesting!
Simmons: Because it would actually be more fun to have her as a contestant! “This is January. She’s an actress.”
Litman: Also, the other women would lose their minds.
Simmons: Yeah, they’d think the whole deck was rigged.
Litman: That’s a great idea.
Simmons: And a great career move for her. Plus she has a kid.
Litman: That’s a great call. And then she can be the Bachelorette. She can earn it. Put in your time as a Bachelor contestant and then graduate to Bachelorette status.
Simmons: Then I had another idea. Then I thought, it’s a Bachelor mini-season. There’s only 10 people. It would be like, eight weeks, a shortened season. All 10 people are famous.
Litman: Oh, I like it.
Simmons: They’re all actresses, models, all people you would know who have an IMDb or a Wikipedia or something. They’re all celebrities for some reason. One’s an athlete, like, Sue Bird is on it.
Litman: As soon as Kate Upton and Justin Verlander break up, let’s green-light this idea. ’Cause I want Kate Upton in there.
Simmons: Kate Upton?
Litman: Newly broken-up Kate Upton.
Simmons: So Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, January Jones, then you get like a younger actress, like Abigail Breslin, like “Wow, she’s too young! Why’s she on this, she’s only 20!” You get some singer, like Lorde is on it.
Litman: Anna Kendrick, she’d be, like, the cool quirky one.
Simmons: She’s too successful.
Litman: You think so? I think she’s on the way down.
Simmons: Oh, you think it’s over?
Litman: Yeah, I don’t think she’s had a true hit in a while.
Simmons: I was thinking Aubrey Plaza, that would be a good one.
Simmons: Then they blow it out. It’s like when Survivor has the all-stars. This is like Bachelor: Celebrity Edition. It’s just a guy, he thinks he’s going to film the regular version, and it’s actually 10 celebrities. And he’s starstruck.
Litman: He’d probably be so overwhelmed. It would make it harder than ever to make a decision because, I feel like, how do you evaluate women on that level?
Simmons: And Sharon Stone is on that too.
Litman: I was gonna say, you want an older woman.
Simmons: Yeah, or Diane Lane.
Litman: Oh, I like Diane Lane. She’s not with Josh Brolin anymore?
Simmons: No. Don’t ask why I know this. I might research stuff like this every once in a while. I like to check in on Diane Lane, one of my favorite actresses ever.