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What Is the Best Drake and Rihanna Outcome?

AubRih is happening — for now, anyway. Where do we go from here?

Getty Images
Getty Images

So. AubRih, huh? We’re just accepting this coupling as truth now? That’s just the way of the world? The sun rises and sets; climate change isn’t a scam; Rita Ora is Famous; and Drake and Rihanna are going steady.

Listen, nobody was surprised, I guess. In denial maybe, but not surprised. Their duets have always had a special extra something. Drake has a long history of persistent, borderline worrisome thirst (remember also Nicki, Serena, and every song he’s ever written about women), but he’s at his thirstiest when it comes to Rihanna. So this summer was an intense journey to this inevitable end: the desperate tour performances; the billboard; his Jerry Maguire moment at the VMAs.

And now here were are in a post-curve world where Drake posts vacation ussies, Drake’s dad confirms the relationship by protesting way too much, and AubRih get horrible matching shark tattoos (Rih. You were supposed to be better than this.). This is happening. It’s from this place of cautious acceptance that the real speculating starts: What do we want from the future of AubRih. Do we want it to end quietly? Taylor Swiftily? Do we want them to last forever? Or just long enough for Rihanna to turn Drake into Lemonade Jay Z? Which of these AubRih outcomes do we want the most? Let’s rank them from on a scale from least desirable Drake (Degrassi Drake) to most desirable Drake (“Hotline Bling” Sweater Drake).

Rihanna Dumps Drake

If I were a betting woman, I’d head to a bookie and put a lot of money on this. Clearly it’s the best of both worlds: Rihanna maintains her status as an otherworldly Praying Mantis Heartbreaker; licking-his-wounds Emo Drake can return in full force and drop Marvin’s Room 2016. The lead single will be his sad, ponderous response to “Needed Me.”

Desirability: Shirtless Swole Thirst Trap Drake

Drake Dumps Rihanna

HA. Get out of here. Dummy.

Desirability: Drake as Jimmy on Degrassi Drake

Rihanna and Drake Become Oprah and Stedman

There is a contractual agreement Drake and Rihanna have entered into with their fans: It states Drake will always go in for the kiss and Rihanna will always curve. Her role is to be our Queen of No Fucks — to have all men begging at her feet, but still choose to walk the path of independence, of total control, of supreme self-worth. A role model, really. Drake’s end of the bargain is to thirst; to always make the grand, embarrassing gesture in order to provide more evidence that Rihanna (or Serena or Nicki) are simply too awesome/powerful/beautiful to be wooed by a “billboard” or “public declaration of love during a televised awards show.” Please.

The Oprah and Steadman scenario gives everybody what they want. In this case, Rihanna is Oprah (duh), and Romantic Partner Drake (note: different from “rapper Drake”) is always in the background, an unseen but powerful force offering unwavering support and endless snacks. He pops up very rarely to provide anecdotes/presents/comments/speeches that support the narrative we’re all comfortable with. Rihanna is a goddess. It’s like now but with less rapping.

Desirability: “Hotline Bling” Sweater Drake

Rihanna and Drake Become Oprah and Gayle and Stedman

Just like the above scenario, except Rihanna fully embraces polyamory, which seems like something she’d do.

Desirability: Buying You All the Snacks You Want Drake

Rihanna and Drake Become Hiddleswift

This is probably the least desirable outcome. It means that we are fools and their “love” is more about album promotion, ticket sales, and Us Weekly covers than about being soul mates. Nobody likes to be deceived.

Desirability: Drake as Jimmy on Degrassi Drake

Rihanna and Drake Become Joaquin Phoenix

There’s a good chance all of this is just guerrilla footage for the “Too Good” video, and none of us learned from learned from previous violent acts of deceptive performance art. Ah well, we’ll all look foolish, but I bet the video would be really good.

Desirability: “Truss Mi Daddi!” Drake

Rihanna and Drake Become Bennifer 1.0

Look in the mirror. Really, look at yourself — the dark, voyeuristic part that you’d like to ignore. What do you really want from Rihanna and Drake? Go on. Ask for it. You want pictures of them dancing at parties, don’t you. You want videos of them leaving each other’s hotels or apartments. Photos of them making out in Cheesecake Factory and then going shopping. Maybe even a People cover story. I don’t know, I’m being greedy. But perhaps, that’s exactly what awaits us: several months of intense, well-documented PDA that ends in — why not ask for the moon here — a high-profile engagement with a big, huge, diamond, and maybe (fingers crossed) an even higher-profile breakup. We’re all assholes, everybody.

Desirability: “Hotline Bling” Sweater Drake

Rihanna and Drake Become Brangelina

After many years of “are they or aren’t they” coverage, Rihanna and Drake will just stroll into a Gelson’s hand in hand to buy something for Sunday dinner. The next week, they’ll show up on a red carpet together, and then another, and another, and we’ll just accept them as a couple, and eventually revere them as the most golden couple ever. After a few years, they’ll have like a bunch of kids. Drake will own several nightclub franchises; Rihanna will have a bespoke weed line. They’ll come out of retirement to make a banging duets album that will soundtrack their short film. We’ll buy tickets to the Valentine’s Day tour stop (in our fantasies because this will never, ever happen).

Desirability: Shirtless Swole Thirst Trap Drake