Early Wednesday morning, news broke out of Phoenix that thieves had made away with millions of dollars worth of jewelry from Drake’s tour bus. Reports suggested the jewels belonged to Future, Drake’s touring partner; later updates shifted ownership to Drake’s DJ, Future the Prince. Half a day later, we’re no closer to finding the culprit. Maybe the thieves are some canny Arizonans. But if they’re not — if this is, like any good crime committed at Talking Stick Resort Arena, an inside job — we’ve got a line on the potential suspects.
Future the Prince
One thing you learn being Drake’s DJ on tour with Future? It sucks being the second-most interesting (or famous, or talented, or handsome, or interesting-voice-having) Future in the room. One quick way to recapture Drake’s attention? Remind him that you’re the real victim here — by becoming the actual victim here. Call it a crime of passion, or jealousy, or the result of what has to have been an awkward two months on tour.
But it didn’t really work. Even the news reports managed to overlook FtP: “We’re told the jewelry was Future’s,” TMZ reported. The outlet later amended the story — “Cops tell us they got a couple of names twisted … the jewelry actually belonged to Future the Prince, Drake’s DJ on the tour … not Future. Honest mistake.” — which only twisted the knife further. Future the Prince stole his own jewelry to remind Drake about that whole “no new friends” thing — and couldn’t even do it without being mistaken for his newer, better namesake. So, yeah, it’s tough being Future the Prince. But being Future the Prince with an insurance claim on $3 million worth of jewelry? That doesn’t sound so bad.
Rihanna and the cast of ‘Ocean’s Ocho’
Robert De Niro getting into an actual boxing ring so as to be convincing in Raging Bull, Christian Bale dropping a frightening 63 pounds for The Machinist, Adrien Brody starving himself for The Pianist … add this to the list: Rihanna and the cast of Ocean’s Ocho taking Drake and Future for $3 million’s worth of jewelry. OK, maybe this doesn’t go in the pantheon of Method-acting tales, but what better way to prep for a fictional jewelry heist than with an actual jewelry heist?
Of course, if that derpy VMAs Vanguard speech and the CONGRATULATIONS RIHANNA FROM OVO billboard in Los Angeles are things to go by, and Drake and Rihanna are dating (which, come on, no way), this could just be general boyfriend-tweaking. Like, the most extreme and over-the-top version of stealing his favorite hoop shorts. (I still want those back, and you know who you are.)
Sure, Drake looks mad in this TMZ clip, making lots of frustrated gestures toward stadium security. But he also looks pretty cool, in an “aggravated rap hands” way, and I’m certain that he knows it. (No one is more frustratingly self-conscious about looking cool; this is Drake’s gift and his curse.) It’s always fun to make loud, arm-waving gestures, especially if you’ve been doing a lot of pull-ups. Can you think of anyone who’s been doing a lot of pull-ups? And who might be eager to show off his Popeye forearms? No? Me neither. Too bad — thought we had something there.
Rough week for Taylor. But no living celebrity better understands the power of a new headline. Plus, she’s done the superheroine cat-burglar thing before. Why not change the narrative and go Full Villain while you’re at it?
Drake’s Dracula Victims
Drake listens to the radio — like, a lot. Plenty of established artists do this in some fashion: find younger artists to mentor, to cast a shadow of youth and progressiveness after they’ve established their own sound. But Drake is a very specific kind of vampire. This is not Kanye getting super into Arca for six months and hiring the dude to work on Yeezus; this is Drake hearing Makonnen’s “Tuesday” on the radio and thinking, “I wish I had made this. What if I .. .made it?” So Drake hops on a remix, Makonnen gets a boost, signs to Drake’s label … and then languishes. This has happened a lot: Migos, Kodak Black, Wizkid, even Future himself. Usually, this benefits just one party: Drake. Until, that is, Tuesday night in Phoenix — when the blood-sucked became the blood-suckers. Get yours, Makonnen.
Blink knocked Drake’s Views out of the no. 1 Billboard slot earlier this year, but couldn’t resist adding an extra noogie. Drake’s bus was robbed in Phoenix, which is basically San Diego, which is to say: This is a turf war. The American Southwest belongs to pop-punk. You can have Houston if you really want it, Drake. But this strip of extra-hot suburban strip-mall High West ain’t for you, Drizzy.
The Suns guard has had a weird career — stuck behind Chris Paul, embroiled in a contract dispute, shipped to Phoenix to play next to two other guys who share his position. And then, to add insult to a career’s worth of over-interpreted injuries, Drake pulled on a Devin Booker jersey. A Drake cosign for a younger Kentucky shoot-first guard? If I’m Eric Bledsoe, that’s the last straw. Drake has to pay.
A while back, Hot 97 morning-show host Ebro said that Eminem had it in for Drake, but being that Ebro is in the habit of reporting industry gossip as fact and Drake was smizing with Eminem in front of a Red Wings poster in Detroit a few days later, we thought we could put this whole “feud” thing to bed.
Eminem wouldn’t fuck up his Carhartt/Armed Forces/Call of Duty money doing the dirt himself, but Slaughterhouse would be willing, if not ecstatic fall guys. Joe Budden called Views “uninspired”– it was — sparking the most unsalted-Lays-baked-potato-chip rap beef ever; abiding rapper’s rapper Joell Ortiz bullied “Summer Sixteen,” and Royce Da 5’9” doesn’t consider Drake a lyricist, and has been taking pot shots at him since 2010.
Crooked I actually stood by Drake in the midst of all those ghostwriting allegations, so he doesn’t quite fit this theory — but still, it’s a theory.
“Never happened.” We’ll take your word for it, Nayvadius.