The Winners and Losers of Donald Trump’s Sit-Down With Dr. Oz

What do you worry about most? Is it … mortality? Your student loans? That maybe nobody really likes you, and that they all talk about you when you’re not around? The creeping conviction that the job you hate but are just doing for a little while to make some cash before pursuing your real passion is starting to look an awful lot like a career?

No! It’s none of these things. Fully Credentialed and Much-Lauded Medical Television Professional Dr. Mehmet Oz knows what you worry about most. To that end, he brought Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump onto The Dr. Oz Show on Thursday to take part in what a promo promised would be “a no-holds-barred conversation” about “your health, security, money.” The purpose was ostensibly for Trump to prove that he is in good health, which nobody was really worried about but has become a thing we have spent a lot of time worrying about, which beats worrying about student loans, anyway. So Trump showed off his blood pressure to Dr. Oz on national TV, and, yep, he is exactly as unhealthy as we worried he was, which is to say not really. What does security have to do with that? Who knows!

Other than the obvious losers of this debacle — the feverish sixth-graders of this fair nation whose parents forced them to watch the segment on their day home from school — who and what else came up ahead or behind? Let’s take a look.

Winner: Testosterone

Does Trump have testosterone? You bet he does! And it is great, the best and finest testosterone, according to his medical documents. Does it matter that testosterone levels aren’t normally included on standard medical records unless they are especially low? Not at all! Dr. Oz let us know that the state of Donald J. Trump’s testosterone count is officially good. For this, the audience applauded.

Loser: Smooching

The interview taped Wednesday in front of a studio audience, and some people who were there recounted what they witnessed afterward. Among those things: Trump smooching on his daughter, Ivanka, and proclaiming that he smooches on her “as often as I can.”

Somehow, this footage of passionate and doting familial love did not make the final cut! Ivanka’s entrance featured no smooching whatsoever.

Winner: Tom Brady

I have become convinced that ex–starting quarterback Tom Brady is in fact a historically great troll. He makes national news for never having had a strawberry in his life (which in my professional opinion is not possibly true). He sentenced us to nearly two years of what might be the dumbest sports scandal of all time, and many years to come of listening to Patriots fans describe themselves as persecuted. He wears Uggs. He makes other people wear Uggs.

Then there is his “friendship” with Trump and occasional statements of support, including a Make America Great Again hat that he kept in his locker. On Thursday, Trump compared his personal fitness to Brady’s on Dr. Oz. Make no mistake: Brady is the man behind the curtain here, dropping bread crumbs of weirdness so we chase our tails until our hearts give out (which Trump’s will never do, because it is in excellent condition).

Winner: Television Doctors

Televised doctor shows are not exactly known for rigorous medical inquiry. On Monday and Tuesday, another Oprah-spawned medical professional, Dr. Phil, spent his show interviewing the brother of JonBenét Ramsey, touching on subjects like whether Burke Ramsey, who was 9 at the time, helped cover up his sister’s death. The following day, the good doctor ran a segment called “I Want to Give Up My Car-Stealing, Knife-Wielding, Twerking 13-Year-Old Daughter Who Tried to Frame Me for a Crime.”

Dr. Oz, who, it is worth noting, was at one time a respected cardiothoracic surgeon but who has since become the nation’s foremost peddler of diet supplements, is not always a groundbreaking political journalist. Among his other notable spots: “How do I choose a good pineapple?” and “How long can I keep meals in the fridge?” For this, he has been rewarded with fame, riches, seven years’ worth of a show in his name, and now, midday appointment viewing with the possible future president of the United States.

Loser: Transpar…

… hahaha just kidding we’re not talking any more about that here, of course lying is bad and secrets are creepy and we should all care deeply about the person we’re about to name leader of the free world, but also if we’re being real it is just very unlikely that either candidate is going to fall over dead in the next four years, sorry, and most modern democracies could withstand such a thing anyway, basically the entire senior level of the Polish government died in a plane crash in 2010 and it was horrible and sad but the government still stood the next day and Poland was basically fine, and whatever happens, we too will be basically fine, thank you.