Tim Tebow is pursuing a career as a professional baseball player. He has been practicing “over the past year,” according to a report from ESPN’s Adam Schefter, and has invited all 30 MLB teams to a workout later this month, so you know he’s serious. I invited all 30 MLB teams to my birthday party last month and none showed. But hey, I’m not Tim Tebow.
If this sounds completely absurd to you, well, you’re not wrong. Tebow last played football at a professional level in 2015, and currently works as an analyst for the ESPN-owned SEC Network. Here is a brief list of reasons that Tebow might fail to achieve his MLB dreams:
- By his own account, he hasn’t played competitive baseball since 2005, when he was in high school.
- He turns 29 in less than a week.
- He is a football player.
- He is a football player with a poor throwing motion.
- Throwing is a skill prized among baseball players.
Here are some reasons Tebow might be extremely successful with his professional baseball career:
- He has a lot of free time.
- Gary Sheffield believes in him.
Now that that’s settled, let’s move on to the next order of business: A minor league team needs to sign Tebow right the hell now.
Why? you might ask. We have no reason to believe that Tebow is any good at baseball! Why should a team take a roster spot away from someone more deserving just to support Tebow’s delusions of grandeur/professional sportsmanship?
To which I say: Have you been to a minor league game recently? There are hairiest-back contests; there are toilet seat giveaways; there are bacon-ham-sausage-pepperoni-pulled pork sandwiches topped with little pig-faced buns (and named, naturally, “The Squealer”); there are popsicle handouts to honor the cryogenically preserved Ted Williams; there is slime. This year, the Double-A Frisco RoughRiders installed a lazy river in their outfield for fans to bob around in. Minor league baseball is about so much more than honing the skills of the next wave of MLB stars. A lazy river is not a premium baseball experience; it is a premium baseball experience experience.
So consider the promotional value of including Tebow among a ballpark’s attractions. There will be nacho cheese, low-level prospects … and this. And there’s always the possibility that Tebow won’t be half bad: He was a veritable star in high school, hitting .494 during his junior season and propelling Nease High to the semifinal round of the Florida Class 4A state playoffs. Though he failed to blossom in the NFL following his Heisman Trophy–winning college football career, he is an extremely athletic human being. He certainly has a better shot of making the big leagues than you or I or most anyone you’ve ever met.
But even if he doesn’t dazzle, he’s still Tim Tebow, and minor league managers of the world: He could be yours. Make it happen.