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How on Earth Do You Spend Eight Hours With Joshua Jackson?

We have some (nonsexual) theories

Getty Images
Getty Images

Yesterday, the Daily Mail reported that The Affair actors Joshua Jackson and Ruth Wilson were spotted hanging out at Gemma, a hip and cool New York City restaurant. Sounds normal, right? Of course they’d hang out together; they are costars who have filmed very naked sex scenes together. You’ve dry-humped together, you can sit at a table together. Not so surprising.

What is surprising is the length of time the two spent hanging out. Reportedly, J. Jack and Wilson sat at that table at Gemma from the hours of 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. That’s eight hours! An entire workday! That’s the point in a flight delay when you give up and check into an airport HoJo. In that span of time they could have had late lunch, dinner, and a sober-up fourth meal. While I would never question anything the Daily Mail reports, that span of time is remarkable and even far-fetched.

But not impossible. I have some theories as to how two good-looking single adults with great bodies, natural chemistry, and lots of free time could end up spending that much time together not in a hostage situation. You might be thinking, “Well, there’s only one? The promise of sex?” But you’d be wrong because there at least six that probably don’t include sex:

Reason No. 1: There Was Wine

In the accompanying photos, Jackson and Wilson are seen drinking wine. Now, yes, eight hours of drinking wine is seriously advanced. Most humans past the age of frat struggle with the late-afternoon-to-full-night drinking transition; adults need to stop, take a nap, then resume. Or stop, throw up, then resume. You’ll notice, though, that this pair starts with nice, easy rosé and switches to white wine in the evening — allowing for continued, sustained wine chugging. This switch also signals being sort of hammered to the point where nobody remembers how to say, “No more wine,” or, “Let’s go home,” or, “This party train is pulling into the station.” White wine is the Gatorade of book clubs and prolonged sidewalk table encounters.

Reason No. 2: Josh Jackson Is Single

Just a little over a month ago, Jackson and Diane Kruger split up after 10 years together. That’s a lot of feelings, you know? It can take eight hours and 12 bottles of wine to unpack all that, easy. And Ruth, well, she’s definitely a listener and a good friend. According to the Daily Mail, onlookers reported the two then went into the adjacent Bowery Hotel together — probably so Josh could keep talking about his breakup and nothing else.

Reason No. 3: Ruth Wilson and Josh Jackson Are Famous

Wilson and Jackson are stars. The Affair is a show that people enjoy. Sometimes even critics enjoy it. Wilson has won a Golden Globe and was in a play with Jake Gyllenhaal. Jackson was on Dawson’s Creek.

I imagine it’s difficult for the two of them to have a conversation without someone interrupting them, thereby lengthening the amount of time they have to spend together. Like, who could get a sentence out when fans keep interrupting them, you know? So rude. I imagine the day went like this:

Josh: Ruth, I’m really struggling in my post-Diane —

Fan: Excuse me. I don’t do this, but could I take a picture?

Josh: Sure, sure. OK, so I’ve just been in this dark place and —

Waiter: I’m so sorry, we’re out of the gnocchi — what else would you like to order? Oh, and I’m sorry, but could I get a photo? Also, could our chef? He loves you, Ruth.

[Eight hours of interruptions later.]

Ruth: So what were you saying about Diane?

Reason No. 4: Time Is a Flat Circle

What is time? What are units of time? How does time exist? What are hours? What does eight hours really mean in the life of man? What does it mean to the universe? How do you measure a year in the life? Is it in daylights, sunsets, minutes? In laughter? In strife? Oh … wine. Wine time. Time? Wine time! This is all because of wine.

Reason No. 5: Ruth Wilson Brought Dice

I don’t have any photographic backup on this, but Ruth looks like the fun kind of woman who’d be ready to gamble at a moment’s notice. You can lose a lot of hours (and dollars) playing Cee-lo. Which is probably what they did. All night.

Reason No. 6: Josh Jackson Is Hot

Jackson is 38 years old and can get it. He has been able to get it since he was Pacey Witter, dopily losing his V card to his hot teacher on Dawson’s Creek. Scientific advances in antiaging will be made, so he can continue to get it well into the next millennium. Be you a man, woman, child, beast, ghost, or of any race, religion, or creed, I think we can all agree that if given the chance to spend time with Josh “Imma Get It” Jackson, you’d spend minimum eight hours with him and would probably do everything in your power to extend that time — including wine, more pizza, sparkling conversation, cigarettes, more wine, a bear trap in my basement, potential indictment on kidnapping charges. Whatever it takes.