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Jordan Rodgers Sucks at Football, Is Decent at Proposals

Reviewing a really weird ‘Bachelorette’ proposal

ABC
ABC

Well, the inevitable happened: On Monday night’s Bachelorette finale, JoJo sent “Blinky” Robby home and chose Jordan “I’m A Real Quarterback” Rodgers, like we always knew she would.

This was not a surprising turn of events. There’s no way a former quarterback could come on this show and not win. But even as the final rose was handed out and the Neil Lane diamond ring was jammed on a perfectly manicured finger, it was hard to fight the nagging feeling that, after 11 episodes, Jordan was still not here for the “right reasons.” Is there a chance that Jordan Rodgers is a huge douche bag? Maybe! Probably! But who are we to let that tiny fact stand in the way of true-ish love?

This proposal was Jordan’s best and last chance to prove to America and to JoJo that despite the fit of his pants (snug) and the height of his sculpted hair (really high), he wasn’t the douche we thought he was.

JoJo said yes, but did Jordan do enough to convince us she made the right choice? Our quick review:

Dress Like the Champion You Want to Be (and Are Maybe Related to)

When separated from the pack of his Disney-Prince-Jaw homies, Jordan Rodgers is objectively attractive. And dude knows how to dress. Monday night, he showed up in a J.Crew Suit Shop special. You know the one — that midnight blue that went from Daniel Craig’s Casino Royale wardrobe straight to your local mall. Rodgers favored a tight pant that accented his long legs — all very appealing if you’re into that sort of thing. His hair was majestic, pomaded and teased atop his head. The suit spoke volumes, but the hair said even more: The amount of work he had to have put in to achieve that sculpt suggested an effort, a drive, a determination greater than anything we’ve seen from him all season.

Gland Issues

Jordan Rodgers didn’t sweat. Even in the blazing sun on the Thai beach, he remained cool and confident, the way he probably imagines his older, more successful brother Aaron Rodgers (Super Bowl–winning quarterback Aaron Rodgers, “I wish him well in the competition” Aaron Rodgers) acts during a game. And Jordan didn’t cry, either, and it wasn’t exactly reassuring.

Think about it. No sweat, no tears: a complete lack of the bodily excretions that demonstrate the range of proposal emotions (nervousness, joy, attachment) any reasonable human basically shouldn’t be able to avoid feeling while proposing. Maybe that doesn’t make Rodgers a douche bag, but it does make him a robot.

There Are Like Six I’s in Team

A man is defined by who he is in his most vulnerable moments: birth, death, televised proposal. How you say it or how handsome you look when you say it doesn’t matter as much as what you say. In the past, contestants have stuttered or mumbled their way through in a way that seemed fake or goofy or boring. But Jordan — our Jordan — well, he did this:

“I love you so much, I love you so much,” repeating it a second time with feeling. The “so” establishes that this is not just love — it’s so much love, an important distinction. Not quite poetry, but close. And then he continued: “I fell in love first with just us, just the person I could be right away with you. How comfortable and confident, and how you challenged me and continue to challenge me to be the best version of myself. And I love that.”

Hmm. I’ll repeat: hmmmmm. If Jordan Rodgers were to turn this proposal into a song, it’d be a cover of Mya’s “It’s All About Me.” There were so many “I” statements that my douchedar was going off, hissing smoke and whistling like a teakettle: I’m the person I could be. I fell in love with just us. You challenged me. I’m only doing this so I can land a decent endorsement deal.

He went on: “You’re my best friend, you’re my soul mate. I’m gonna keep you safe, I’m gonna protect you, I’m gonna wake up every morning and choose you, over and over and over again until you tell me I can’t.”

This sounded like music to JoJo’s ears, heart, and loins. To me, it sounded vaguely like the sequel to Room.

True Love Waits (for the Cameras to Turn Off)

Jordan’s hair did not make the case. His vague and wildly narcissistic proposal speech did not make the case. His Bond suit almost made the case.

But when he dropped down on one knee, miraculously avoided splitting his pants, and demanded “gimme your hand, gimme your hand,” well, we knew it was love. At least as Jordan Rodgers knows it.

And when he asked Joelle Hannah Fletcher, “Will you marry me?” while jamming that someone-at-Neil-Lane-is-getting-a-raise Neil Lane rock on her finger, all the crap — the hair, the pants, the brain-melting levels of self-absorption — almost didn’t matter, because his shaking hands said it all: At least one person was in love with one person (maybe himself). And we all bought into it long enough to watch the Happily Ever After The Final Rose Ceremony When We Find Out If They Are Still Together Or Not.

They are. Sort of. But hey: Love is fleeting. Hair gel is forever.