Here’s a 30-second video of Leonardo DiCaprio scaring the crap out of Jonah Hill on a New York City street:
Everything about it is glorious: Leo’s beloved old-man newsboy cap, the way Leo runs, the way Leo holds a phone. Jonah’s awkward smile, the way they embrace. It’s just a really lovely Wolf of Wall Street reunion on Carmine Street.
After watching the video a few times to glean as much information about this watershed moment in pop culture history, a few facts are immediately evident: It is the year 2016. They are both in New York, in the West Village. Jonah Hill is a cool guy (look at that varsity jacket and snapback!). And Leo is more exuberant puppy than man (run, Leo! Go get him, boy!). But for all the questions that can be answered, there are even more that cannot. Such as:
1. Does Leonardo DiCaprio love blue more than the other colors? He’s wearing an electric-blue shirt with rare and special sky-blue cargo shorts. He has paired them with a blue whale belt that is almost definitely from Vineyard Vines, which is another conversation we should have in a minute. It takes an emotional commitment to a color to wear it from head to toe. Is blue — all the blues — Leo’s favorite color? And a follow-up: Is he maybe color blind?
2. What is the temperature outside? This footage was taken yesterday, August 1, 2016. Weather.com tells me it was 80 degrees in New York City, with a low of 69. But say I was innumerate and agoraphobic, or just skeptical of scientific models: What could I deduce about the weather based on visual clues alone? Jonah Hill, clad in jeans, a T-shirt, a leather-sleeved varsity jacket, and a cap, is dressed for late fall, or maybe July in the Bay Area. But Leo and his brethren are all wearing shorts, which is not saying much because bros are always in cargo shorts — winter, spring, summer, fall, rain or snow, sleet or dust storm, they will be in shorts. So we’re back at square one: warm day? Crisp day? Celebrity-controlled weather dome?? WHO KNOWS.
3. Is Leonardo DiCaprio left-handed or right-handed? When Leo charges Jonah Hill and pretends to take his picture, he’s operating the phone with his left hand. So maybe he’s a lefty? But look at that awkward grip. Also, he’s got his liquid-filled cup in his right hand; obviously, Leo would cradle a half-full cup (or a vape pen) with his dominant hand. So maybe he’s right-handed? The evidence is inconclusive, but it does lead me to the next question …
4. What is Leo drinking? The time of day and Unofficial New York City Law (the one that requires residents to carry an iced beverage while walking outside) lead me to believe that it was a passion fruit iced tea, or perhaps an unsweetened hibiscus herbal tea. But the fact that it is Leo leads me to believe it is most likely some sort of daiquiri. I want to believe it’s a daiquiri. Just let it be a daiquiri.
5. What is Jonah Hill listening to? After Jonah realizes it’s not a crazed, unhinged fan but just regular, crazed Leo, he removes his earbuds to interact. What are you listening to, Jonah? Here’s what my instincts tell me: a mix inspired by Warped Tour ’97. Blink is back, my dudes.
6. Was Jonah Hill really scared? I feel like Jonah wasn’t really startled, but we all know you have to pretend for Leo. If you don’t, Leo gets sad, and nobody wants to be the one to make Leo sad, because then he starts talking about the environment for a long time and it’s kind of a buzzkill. Don’t let Leo know the truth.
7. Why was that hug so long? Like nine seconds of this 27-second video were of their embrace? Working under the “Leo believed he really scared Jonah” principle, my best guess is that he was selflessly acting as a ThunderShirt to help calm Jonah. Or at least was quietly whispering sweet nothings in his ear.
8. Did they intend to eat soup dumplings? Ringer managing editor and eagle-eyed detective Juliet Litman identified their meeting spot as Carma Asian Tapas — a highly rated, inexpensive, tapas/dim sum spot in the West Village that boasts bomb soup dumplings (says Yelp). So, yeah, I bet they bro’d down hard over some soup dumps.
9. Sneakers or espadrilles? I’m giving the slight edge to sneakers, but who can really tell? Summer shoes make fools of us all.
10. Who are those other guys? I don’t see Lukas Haas, so this is not the original Pussy Posse. Are these C-List Pussy Posse members? Security guards in plainclothes? Members of the Lil Leo Mentorship Group? If you’re reading, please ID yourself in the comments section. You are a witness to history.