On Sunday, a day that started so normally and with only the number of penises that are usually in our lives, we received a dick pic from Draymond Green. “We” in this case means America; Green sent an image of his man bits to us, all of us, every last red-white-and-blue one of us, via his Snapchat Story. He promptly deleted it and said he was hacked, before fessing up and saying that he meant to send the photo as a private message but hit the wrong button. Which is a funny way of denying that he wanted us to see what he was working with, but OK. Maybe he was embarrassed that we didn’t reciprocate! Anyway.
Vivid Entertainment, a pornographic production company whose recent releases include Sex Sex Sex 3 and Weiner and Me (the latter starring Sydney Leathers, of chase–Anthony Weiner–into-a-McDonald’s-in-the-saddest-documentary-ever fame), noticed Green’s penis (don’t type Greenis don’t type Greenis don’t type Greenis) and liked what it saw, and has since offered the Warriors forward $100,000 to appear in a Vivid film. Let’s take an annotated look at the proposal.
1. First things first: It is near certain that Vivid and its founder, Steve Hirsch, have little hope that Green would actually be willing to appear in a Hirsch-sponsored “production,” given that Green is set to make $15.3 million next season alone and thus $100,000 is what might classically be referred to as “small potatoes.” Therefore, one could conclude that this is a naked (so to speak) bid for publicity, and it isn’t unlikely that Hirsch released the letter to TMZ, a site that has lately been serving up Draymond news like hand grenades on Bourbon Street. Having a new and outrageous update on the subject of Draymond’s sext to America is very much in TMZ founder Harvey Levin’s interest, and I, as a writer spreading news of the offer, am propagating the publicity campaign of Vivid, Hirsch, Levin, etc. Blah blah blah, whatever, Draymond Green has been offered good money to put his weiner in a movie. Let’s talk about it (the offer).
2. I imagine Hirsch sitting at his desk — a massive and wildly expensive replica of the Resolute desk in the Oval Office, from the center of which things far less charming than John F. Kennedy Jr. are known to burst — and thinking to himself, “Gosh, how do you get a letter to Draymond Green?” Whenever Hirsch sends mail to Santa (often), he addresses it simply to the North Pole. Here, he apparently settled on Green’s employers’ offices: c/o Golden State Warriors. He included Green’s middle name, Jamal, because this, it goes without saying, is serious.
3. WAIT, HE WANTS TO NAME THE PRODUCTION DRAYZILLA? I AM ALL IN, 100 PERCENT, BRING ON DRAYZILLA. (Note that this is the only non-negotiable part of the deal: Hirsch says Draymond can dictate costars, plot, direction, etc. Everything is his to decide — except that it will be called Drayzilla, because that is the correct name for this endeavor.)
4. Once, in middle school, my extremely nice homeroom teacher, Miss Stilling, led us in what she probably imagined would be a fun and informative sex ed lesson: She asked us to name every single slang term for sex that we could think of. She then spent 10 minutes dutifully, exasperatedly scribbling every last one we shouted onto a giant sheet of paper at the front of the room. We got all the basics, but since none of us really knew what we were talking about — there was a rumor going around that Shannon and her boyfriend had gone to second base, but we were all too scared to ask — this exercise largely consisted of us yelling the most vulgar, nonsensical phrases we could think of at poor Miss Stilling. (She kept egging us on, for some reason, asking if there was just one more, until we gave up, exhausted of every vile verb we could think of. She looked at us, looked at the paper, and added the one we couldn’t come up with: to make love.)
Anyway: That’s how I feel reading this letter. Is this all euphemisms, or is it just me? He’ll “make sure it comes off perfectly”? Draymond will “really drive it home”? It’ll be a “huge hit”? He’ll be “in good hands”? Sorry, Miss Stilling, wherever you are.
5. Hirsch’s masterstroke (I’m sorry): He highlighted Green’s last name in the color green! You see, because the word “green” is also a slang term for “money,” which Draymond and his penis would make.
6. Vivid is the Warriors of the adult film industry, you could say. (Except Vivid won.)
7. After some frantic Googling in the name of journalism and nothing else at all, it turns out that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape Hirsch mentions is very much disputed. Or, well, the Jimi Hendrix part is; somebody (three somebodies, if we’re being specific) definitely has sex in the 11-minute video. (TMZ’s take: “Jimi Hendrix … Gives Good Headband.” I am not linking to it.)