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What Were All Those Famous People Doing in ‘Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie’?

Getty images/Ringer illustration
Getty images/Ringer illustration

There are basically three ways to make a summer movie: explosions, lowbrow laughs, or a minimum of 20 celebrity cameos instead of an actual plot. Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie chose option no. 3; the celebrity cameo is as impressive and robust as Eddie and Patsy’s caftan collection. It seems like everyone in Hollywood, the fashion world, and British Hollywood were eager to be a part of the cult show’s film adaptation — but did they need to be? Let’s assess by looking at an Abbreviated List of All the Celeb Cameos in Ab Fab, from least to most effective:

Janette Tough: Tough is a beloved Scottish sitcom actress from the ’80s show The Krankies. Unfortunately, she decided to act in in yellowface for this movie. As Margaret Cho and many others have pointed out — and as we would like to echo — this is not a good or appropriate choice.

Perez Hilton: He had no lines and was onscreen for half a second — you blink and you’ll miss it. (Maybe blink around 20 minutes in?)

Models (Alexa Chung, Suki Waterhouse, Jourdan Dunn, Daisy Lowe, Camilla Rutherford): All they do is writhe around and look beautiful and hardly speak. It’s an Ab Fab movie in 2016 — can’t we let the models speak?

La Roux: She lip-synchs a song; the song isn’t “Bulletproof.”

Chris Colfer: He gets a lot of mediocre lines but is somehow totally boxed out of the highly pivotal karaoke scene. I wanted more for you, Colfer.

Kelly Hoppen, Kathy Lette, Tinie Tempah, Alesha Dixon, Foxes: IMDb suggests they were in this movie. That’s all I got.

Kate Moss: The entire plot of the film is centered on Moss’s existence, though she is still somehow only a cameo. She does have many tasks: She smokes glamorously in a skin-tight sequined gown; she falls into the Thames and “dies”; she drinks champagne. You’ll still never convince me she wasn’t CGI’d!

Tinder: It’s only for a second, but the cameo accurately conveys the emotional roller coaster that is Tinder. Also, I would watch a whole show of Patsy on Tinder.

Rebel Wilson: Wilson’s role as a Taser-wielding flight attendant is actually just an audition for her role as Patsy in the inevitable Ab Fab prequel. (Note: This is fine by me!)

Graham Norton: Graham Norton looks great in a sharp blazer. Sometimes that’s enough.

Lily Cole: She made a joke! About Kate Moss! It was medium funny!

Stella McCartney: Whatever pantsuit she was wearing in her cameo, I want it.

Lulu: One for the Brits. I got no problem with you, Lulu.

Poppy Delevingne: I actually missed her entirely, but someone needs to pay attention to Cara’s sister, Poppy, I guess.

Jean-Paul Gaultier: The famed French designer just put on some Wellies and fished Kate Moss out of the Thames — but he’s French, so it works.

Emma Bunton (Baby Spice): She had more lines than Rihanna in Battleship, she looked exceptional, she was a key part in several pivotal moments — Emma Bunton had so much to do! And It feels really good to say that after all these years.

Jerry Hall: She gives a three-minute speech about loving Chanel. Possibly worth seeing Ab Fab just for Jerry Hall?

Nobu: The sushi restaurant is where Eddie experiences her victorious comeback into the world of celebrity publicity. I’m calling it now: This is Nobu’s best role since “Jumpman.”

Gwendoline Christie: She looked fantastic in an evening gown, and played the part of fashion bitch so well that she convinced me she might actually be a very mean person. (I know you’re not, Gwen! Let’s hang out!) Bonus: Nobody called her Brienne of Tarth.

Suzy Menkes: Zoolander 2 had Anna Wintour, and she did just fine. But Vogue International editor Suzy Menkes threw a white Birkin bag in the Thames! Show me an Anna who will do that.

Joan Collins: DA GOD JOAN COLLINS. I want her sun hat, I want her Cannes hotel pool, I want the massive paycheck she received for her five seconds of acting.

And the best celeb cameo in Ab Fab goes to … Jon Hamm: As a former lover of Patsy, Hamm is finally in on the joke — the dick joke, that is. He is nominally there as a guest of Kate Moss, but let’s be honest: He is there to participate in a joke about the enormousness of his … uh, let’s go with talent. Shout-out to Jon for playing along; shout-out to Jon for his talents.