It’s official: Tim Tebow has been tapped to speak at next week’s Republican National Convention in Cleveland. The Ringer has obtained an exclusive copy of the Florida legend’s political address. Here is the unabridged text:
Chairman Priebus, members of the Republican National Committee, representatives, senators, delegates, volunteers, distinguished guests, and citizens of Cleveland:
We are at a crossroads. After years of incompetent leadership, a once-proud institution has descended into madness. Of course, I’m referring to the Cleveland Browns. Everything from bureaucratic bloat to an electronic communication scandal has contributed to the team’s demise, and precious resources continue to be wasted with mind-numbing frequency. Hope is at a premium.
Indeed, these are dark times, and the pundits insist that the misery will never end. Fortunately, though, you have an opportunity to make things great again. A leader has emerged from the wreckage — a genuine man of the people who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, and isn’t a Washington insider.
Allow me to introduce myself: I’m Tim Tebow, and I’m running for quarterback of the Browns.
Let me be perfectly clear: None of those things precludes winning, which is what this franchise sorely needs — and precisely what I bring to the table. My college career, which featured two national championships and a Heisman Trophy, is the stuff of legend. And despite the inexplicably pervasive belief that my professional career has been a failure, I boast a winning record in the NFL, I led the Broncos to the AFC West title in 2011, and I defeated the Browns’ archrival, the Steelers, in the playoffs. My accomplishments speak for themselves.
I come bearing the endorsement of Urban Meyer, a native son of Ohio and one of the finest football coaches this state has ever seen. I go way back with Browns stalwart Joe Haden, and Hue Jackson knows I’m a winner. I have many friends. Football is a game of relationships, and I have the best relationships.
I know Browns fans were scarred by the Johnny Football experience, and it goes without saying that I will not repeat his mistakes. Rather than crowing about my wealth, I humbly kneel down in prayer after scoring a touchdown. I’ll never arrive late to a team meeting, nor will I ever flip the bird on live TV. I promise you one thing: You will never see any player in the entire NFL represent their team with more class on and off the field than me.
Just last month, LeBron James showed that it was possible to win a championship in this wonderful city. Did I mention that LeBron is my no. 1 fan? I want to follow in his footsteps and bring a title — and perhaps an ESPY or two — to Cleveland. But to accomplish this, I’ll need your support. That’s why I’m asking you to disregard the Cody Kessler hype and elect me to end the awful rotation of Browns starting quarterbacks that has plagued this team since 1999. Thank you, God bless, and go Browns!
[Florida alum and noted Tebow fan Marco Rubio, who took a break from campaigning and flew to Cleveland just to hear Tebow speak, stands up and gives a rousing ovation; everyone else sits in stunned silence.]