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The Winners and Losers of Kirsten Dunst Dating Jesse Plemons

Getty Images/Ringer illustration
Getty Images/Ringer illustration

Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons are dating now. As a best practice, we like to wait for double confirmation before writing about news of this magnitude. But if we take the Daily Mail article plus the face tattoo I just got that says “Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons are dating now,” and count those as separate sources — then that’s two right there. So we’re going to run with this.

Below are the winners and losers of Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons, Who Are Dating (that’s their official Couple Name):

WINNER: Jesse Plemons

Jesse Plemons is now dating Kirsten Dunst.

LOSER: Garrett Hedlund

Garrett Hedlund used to be dating Kirsten Dunst, but that’s no longer the case. Jesse Plemons is now dating Kirsten Dunst.

Let me explain. Previously, Garrett Hedlund dated someone. That someone was Kirsten Dunst. That relationship — Garrett Hedlund and Kirsten Dunst’s — is not happening anymore. Instead, Kirsten Dunst is dating Jesse Plemons.

Stay with me for a second. So, before all of this, there was a person: Garrett Hedlund. And Kirsten Dunst dated him. But then THAT STOPPED HAPPENING. And Kirsten Dunst started dating SOMEONE ELSE. Whom she continued to date. Called Jesse Plemons. And they are still dating now.

Does that make any sense at all? Sorry, I know it’s a lot.

WINNER: Sunday strolls

Kirsten Dunst and Fargo Costar Jesse Plemons Take a Sunday Stroll.

Great moment, great headline, great look for Sunday strolls.

Sunday strolls have always been underrated — I think everyone would agree. They’re fun. They’re romantic. You can dress up. What’s not to love? Which begs the question: Are strolls about to have a moment? Is Kirsten Dunst about to fuck around and make strolling happen? Are Sunday strolls on the verge of disrupting Hanging Out? Tinder? Dating? Kissing? Are Sunday strolls eventually going to become so popular, on the backs of Dunst and Plemons’ ROCKETSHIP OF LOVE, that they replace sexual intercourse and reproduction and calmly, sensually delete the human race? Let’s call this a soft winner.

LOSER: Babies

One of the things I find hardest to respect about babies now is that they have no idea Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons are dating.

WINNER: Friday Night Lights

The Friday Night Lights family tree has taken some serious hits since the show went off the air: Minka Kelly’s straight-to-Hulu. Kyle Chandler is stuck putting up stats on a bad team. Connie Britton might not be famous enough to like Sleater-Kinney anymore. Riggins stays busy catching the karmic receipt of STEALING HIS PARALYZED BEST FRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND WHY WASN’T THIS A BIGGER DEAL I STILL DON’T GET IT. The only post-Dillon success story so far has probably been Michael B. Jordan. And OK, fine, that’s a good one. But the rest: They might be able to put together a reunion show if they wanted. Texas forever :(

Landry dating Kirsten Dunst changes all of that. I know some people would argue he’d already made it: Breaking Bad, The Master, Bridge of Spies, Black Mass. But come on. Two days ago Jesse Plemons had — I believe the phrase is “a nice career.” Now he’s the King of Los Angeles. This is a W.

LOSER: Fargo

It’s hard to say which is better: Fargo the movie or Fargo the TV show. On one hand: Fargo the movie has better acting, writing, directing, casting, pacing, editing, vibes, intentions, lighting, cinematography, ideas, and blood running through its veins. But on the other hand: Fargo the TV show has more episodes. It’s a tough call. Actually, you know what, on second thought: Maybe Fargo the movie is amazing, and — hear me out — Fargo the TV show … kind of sucks? Is that even a hot take? Look: The Coen Brothers definitely hate it. I definitely hate it. That already seems like a lot of people.

Anyway, this Dunst-Plemons bombshell may have finally ushered us to a Fargo crossroads. When the news broke, I immediately sensed two strong reactions. The second was, “Wow.” The first was, “It’s a bummer they have to say they met on Fargo.” And that’s when it hit me: Fargo is the “embarrassing couple’s origin story” of TV shows. You know when you ask a couple how they met — and they both just sort of look away? They mumble, they blush, but they don’t actually tell you? And it’s never even that bad; it’s always something like, “insect convention,” or “orgy,” or “Knicks game,” or “online.” It’s whatever … it’s just not something they’re proud of. Well, that’s Fargo. It’s perfectly fine, but not nothing to lie about. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s say they met at a bar.

WINNER: Kirsten Dunst

Life is like salad. All we can do is dump Jake Gyllenhaal and eat it.