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Graymond Dreen and Nine Other Things That Could Have Saved the Warriors in Game 5

Getty Images/Ringer illustration
Getty Images/Ringer illustration

Draymond Green, he of the flailing, nut-seeking limbs, was suspended for Monday’s Game 5 of the NBA Finals. As he enjoyed the world-famous amenities (dies coughing) of the neighboring Oakland Coliseum with Marshawn Lynch, his Warriors took a beating, falling 112–97 and failing to seal the championship at home. Tonight, they’ll have another chance, this time in Cleveland, and this time with Draymond on the court.

But if he had been playing on Monday, things would have been different — at least according to Green. “I have a strong belief that if I play Game 5, we win,” he told reporters Wednesday. Warriors in five; easy.

That’s a mighty confident proclamation from someone who’s been with the Warriors during more than a few losses to the Cavs, and, what’s more, Kyrie Irving and LeBron James didn’t look like they were going to let any mere mortal opponent stop them Monday. Steve Kerr, for his part, declined to blame the loss on Green’s absence. It’s hard to know what a long, cold night of peeing into troughs does to a person’s psyche and sense of self, but since the rest of us weren’t there with Green, it’s a little hard to just take his word for it.

Since there wasn’t a no. 23 to ride in with shining armor and vanquish Cleveland, it got us thinking: What else could have done the trick? Here are some ideas.

  1. Kyrie Irving falling down a manhole: Wow, Kyrie is really having a strong gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (distant thud)
  2. An asteroid striking the Cavaliers bench: Given all the asteroids headed for the Cubs this season, surely they could spare one.
  3. An earthquake: Not, like, a big one — and certainly not The Really Big One — but enough to send non-Californians running for their lives. The Earth shook? Out of nowhere? You bet it did. LeBron et al. flee; the Dubs look at each other, ask, “Did you feel that?”, shrug, and carry on.
  4. Peter Thiel suing the Cavaliers: And each of the players individually. My God.
  5. Mary Babers-Green, Draymond’s perpetually chippy mother, being appointed Warriors coach: With all due respect to Kerr, he’s clearly been skimping on the fundamentals of trash talk.
  6. Trayce Thompson forsaking baseball to join his brother on the basketball court: Splash triplets?
  7. Bernie Bros continuing to riot following last week’s primary loss: Six days after Hillary’s victory, a roving band of enraged Sanders supporters marches down the California coast in an attempt to Bern it all down. They succeed only in burning down the Cavaliers’ equipment bus.
  8. J.R. Smith hitting the gravity bong; Klay Thompson leaving the gravity bong alone: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
  9. LeBron James: bad at basketball: What if LeBron just, you know, wasn’t very good?
  10. A mysterious player named Graymond Dreen takes the court…