clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

59 Questions for the Person Who Threw a Dildo Onto the Field During the Patriots-Bills Game

First question: Why?

Getty Images/Ringer illustration
Getty Images/Ringer illustration

Someone threw a dildo on the field during the Patriots-Bills game. I have so many questions.

First question: Why?

Do you think it was a man or a woman who threw it? (A man. Definitely.)

Was that dildo the only dildo the person brought to the game? Or do you think he had a bag full of them?

How do you even get a dildo into a football stadium? Don’t they check all bags now? I know that they check all bags now. That means some subterfuge had to have taken place. There was a conversation beforehand about how to sneak a dildo into the stadium. There was plotting. There was a plan. Is there someone who lives in Buffalo who is very good at that sort of thing? That’s his specialty? A man and a woman were hoping to smuggle a dildo into the stadium but couldn’t quite figure it out, so they made a call. Thirty minutes later, a well-dressed man showed up at their house and said something like, “I hear you’re having trouble with a package,” then he walked them through exactly how to do it. Is he the Ocean’s Eleven of dildo smuggling? Oh my god: Is he the Ocean’s Eleven Inches of dildo smuggling?

Did the guy who threw the dildo wake up that morning planning to throw the dildo? Like, was it a premeditated dildo throwing? Did he go to the store before the game and buy it? Was he in a carpool with some friends like, “Hey, can we make a quick stop on the way to the stadium?” And then his friends were like, “Sure. What do you need?” And then he was very forthright about it, like, “A dildo. I’m going to throw it at Chris Hogan.” And his friends were like, “Cool.” Or was he embarrassed about it, and wouldn’t say what it was that he wanted to pick up, and then his friends, frustrated, were like, “It’s not a dildo again, is it?” Turns out, the guy throws dildos all the time. That’s his thing. A waiter takes too long to bring a drink? A dildo gets thrown. He doesn’t like the way his performance review goes at his job? A dildo gets thrown. A close family member calls him to tell him that she’s just found out she has Legionnaires’ disease? A dildo gets thrown. Is he just constantly throwing dildos? Does all of his disposable income go to dildo inventory? Does he get an email every month from Mint that tells him exactly how much he spent on dildos?

Or was it a reflexive dildo throwing? Was the person just so frustrated that the Patriots were about to score another that he grabbed the first thing he saw, in this case a dildo, and threw it?

Was it a new dildo or a used dildo? If it was an old dildo, then why that dildo? Like, let’s say it was a couple who brought the dildo in. Did they have a collection of dildos at home, so they had to go through them like, “Honey, do you think this is a good one to throw?” And then the other person was like, “No, not that one. My mother gave me that one. Pick a different one.” Were they able to come to an easy decision on which dildo to throw? Or was it this big, drawn-out fight? Maybe one person had a particular attachment to a dildo and things just got very tense? How many relationships in Buffalo have ended because of dildo-based disputes? Is dildo-relationship therapy a booming market there?

If it was a new dildo, then also why that dildo? How do you decide? When you go to one of those adult shops that sells dildos, there’s not just one dildo there. There’s, like, an entire wall of them. So, was the guy who threw it in there carefully examining each one? Would he take one off the hanging rack and then read the back of the packaging like, “No,” and then shake his head, “No, this ain’t quite the right one”? Was he very particular? Did he possibly consider getting a dildo that had the same colorway as the New England Patriots uniforms, but thought it might be a little too on the nose? Is there a preferred dildo for throwing at football players? And why did he settle on a dildo that replicated a white man’s penis? Was there any consideration given to dildos that represented the penises of men of other races? Did he maybe go with one of his friends, and his friends grabbed a brown dildo and held it up, and then the guy was like, “Absolutely not,” and then his friend realized right then that there were bigger issues the two needed to discuss beyond dildo throwing?

How do you even throw a dildo? Do you underhand toss it like in co-ed softball? Do you spiral it out there the way Tom Brady throws a football? If you spiral it, I wonder if the guy threw it, and it was a good and tight spiral, and so then someone in a seat near him watched him and saw his throw and was impressed and high-fived him. Did he say something like, “That was a fucking great dildo throw, man”? Then the guy who threw it was like, “Thanks.” Then the other guy was like, “Did you throw dildos in college?” And then the guy who threw it was like, “I had some offers, but never did,” lying, knowing that there were no dildo-throwing scholarships in his mailbox when he was in high school, and so then, despite his great dildo-throwing moment, the guy just sat there, silent, remembering his failed dildo-throwing high school career?

What was the intended effect of throwing the dildo onto the field? Like, did he want to hit one of the players with it? Was he hoping someone would catch it and return it for a dildo pick-six? And if you’re in the game and you get hit by a dildo, what happens next for you? Is that it? Are you just forever the guy who got hit by a dildo? You worked your whole entire adolescence and adult life to get into the NFL, to achieve your dreams, and then now for the rest of your career, you’re Dildo Donnie or whatever?

Did the guy who threw it say anything cool when he threw it? Did he lean over to his friend right before throwing it and say something like, “You know what they say: Football is a game of inches,” and then throw it? Or maybe, “Some people dil-don’t. Me? I dil-do,” and then threw it. Or maybe “You ever seen Lord of the Rings? Check this out. … [throws the dildo] It’s Dildo Baggins.” Or maybe, “Look, [throws the dildo] the Patriots have 12 men on the field now. That’s a flag.”

Do you think a guy was at the game and it was his first NFL game, and so on Monday he’s going to show up to work and someone will ask him what he thought of his football game, and he’ll be like, “It was cool, I guess. My favorite part was the dildo throwing.” And then for the rest of his life, he’s just going to think that throwing dildos onto the field is a thing that happens in the NFL, like when they throw dead octopuses onto the ice at Detroit Red Wings games. I hope that happened.

Someone threw a dildo on the field during the Patriots-Bills game. I have so many questions.