The new Jack Reacher movie comes out on Friday. It’s called Jack Reacher: Never Go Back. I haven’t read any reviews or seen anything else about it, but I know one thing: Someone went back, and it wasn’t good. It’s a great subtitle — and like the best movie subtitles, it gives you a blurry idea of what the movie is going to be about. But we don’t just want to Never Go Back. We want to keep going back, year after year after year. So here are 50 more Jack Reacher movies.
1. Jack Reacher: Soviet Apocalypse — The Russians have a nuclear bomb and it’s aimed at a small-town daycare center. Reacher: “I have to stop the Russians!” The president: “Jack, you might be able to stop the Russians from firing that nuke, but there’s no way you’re walking out of there alive.” Reacher: “It doesn’t matter. I have to save those children. And if I have to die to do it, then … so-vee-it.” [Four-second pause.] The president: “Oh shit. I get it. Ha. Good one.”
2. Jack Reacher: Alpha Interrogation — Jack Reacher has to interrogate the most alpha male of all … himself.
3. Jack Reacher: What Time Is Dinner? — Jack Reacher has a dinner date … with justice. And the bad guys have a dinner date … with death. And he’s going to make sure … they’re not late. By … killing them.
4. Jack Reacher: Murder Accord — A Honda Accord has become sentient and it’s running over wounded war veterans. “Help me!” says the Honda Accord at the end of the movie as it dangles off the edge of a building. Reacher lets it fall to its death. “I’m more of a Chevy guy.”
5. Jack Reacher: Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven’s Door — The guns aren’t the only things being put in the ground. So are the bad guys.
6. Jack Reacher: Ghost Protocol — Nope. Not a Jack Reacher. You rented Mission Impossible by accident.
7. Jack Reacher: 36 Chambers — Jack Reacher brings the motherfucking ruckus.
8. Jack Reacher: Overture of Lies — First comes the lying, then comes the dying.
9. Jack Reacher: Stairway to Hell — It’s actually not even a stairway. It’s just a hole. And Jack Reacher is throwing the bad guys down into it. “This is unconstitutional,” says a bad guy who demands Jack let him take the stairs down to hell. “How are you gonna use the stairs,” Reacher asks, “after I break both of your legs?”
10. Jack Reacher: Vegan Violence — A criminal organization has disguised itself as a group of vegans and is using a Whole Foods to funnel money to terrorists.
11. Jack Reacher: The Lunar Supremacy — Jack Reacher faces his most intimidating nemesis yet … the Moon. “I never liked the tides anyway,” Reacher says after shooting the Moon in the forehead.
12. Jack Reacher: Snake Plethora — There’s a fucking lot of snakes.
13. Jack Reacher: Whose Line Is It Anyway? — Jack Reacher takes an improv class. Lesson 1: Justice. Lesson 2: Pain. Lesson 3: Good mime techniques.
14. Jack Reacher: Armageddon Patriotism — Jack Reacher test-drives a Jeep Patriot. “It’d be a little more intimidating if it was bigger,” he tells the car salesman. “So would you,” says the salesman.
15. Jack Reacher: Gladiator Secrecy — Jack Reacher whispers all of his lines into the ears of the people in scenes with him.
16. Jack Reacher: Deity Vengeance — Jesus has risen. And he’s pissed. “I climbed down off the cross once,” Jesus says to Jack. “What makes you think I won’t again?” “Easy,” Jack Reacher says. “I’ve got more nails.”
17. Jack Reacher: Flight of the Archangel — Remember that movie where John Travolta played an angel? It’s like that.
18. Jack Reacher: Amerikkkan Bad Ass — Jack Reacher teams up with Kid Rock to take the down the KKK. The kicker: Kid Rock wears blackface and plays a black man named John Dawkins.
19. Jack Reacher: Amerikkkan Badder Ass — Kid Rock wears twice as much as blackface.
20. Jack Reacher: Death Served Cold — Jack Reacher goes undercover as a waiter to stop a group of yokels who are terrorizing a farming town in Iowa.
21. Jack Reacher: Did I Catch You at a Bad Time? — Jack Reacher versus a serial killer who places clocks on his victims.
22. Jack Reacher: Operation Colossus — “It’s not a big operation, Jack,” says the ambassador. “It’s a colossal one.”
23. Jack Reacher: Orion’s Nebula — Jack Reacher goes to space. “They told me no one can hear you scream in space,” says Reacher to a villain. “Let’s find out.”
24. Jack Reacher: My Hearing’s Not That Good — “Let no man tear asunder what I hath brought together here today,” a preacher tells a congregation after marrying a mafia boss and his lover. Jack Reacher, who’d been sitting in the front row disguised as a wedding guest, stands up. He removes his disguise. “Reacher!” the mafia boss says. Jack shoots him in the chest. “Didn’t you hear me?!” the preacher shouts. “I said let no man tear asunder! You just tore them asunder!” “Sorry, father,” says Reacher. “My hearing’s not that good.”
25. Jack Reacher: Apex of Destruction — You’ve never seen destruction this apexed.
26. Jack Reacher: What’s It Like to Be in Good Hands? — Jack Reacher gets auto insurance.
27. Jack Reacher: The Vagrant Chronicles — Jack Reacher makes friends with a homeless man and the homeless man teaches Jack an important lesson. “Violence isn’t always the answer,” the homeless man says. Jack responds, “Can I teach you a lesson now?” “Sure,” the homeless man says. Then Jack beats him up. “Mind your business.”
28. Jack Reacher: The Dreadnought — Jack Reacher just wanders around asking if anyone knows what the word “dreadnought” means.
29. Jack Reacher: Sometimes I Watch Big Bang Theory — Jack Reacher tries to convince a few people that sometimes Sheldon is funny.
30. Jack Reacher: There’s a Problem With My Order — Jack Reacher eats dinner at a restaurant run by two rude chefs.
31. Jack Reacher: Battlefield Omega Nu — Jack Reacher starts a fraternity.
32. Jack Reacher: Three of Amerikaz Most Wanted — Jack Reacher teams up with Snoop Dogg and a Tupac hologram to show the Yakuza that there really ain’t nothin’ like a gangsta party.
33. Jack Reacher: Ghost Frontier — Jack Reacher has to fight a poltergeist. “How do you even punch a ghost?” someone asks Jack. “The same way you punch a man,” says Reacher. “Hard.”
34. Jack Reacher: Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis — When Jack Reacher was dead broke, he couldn’t picture this.
35. Jack Reacher: Liberty for All — You know what else is for all? Death.
36. Jack Reacher: Nobody Walks Out Alive — “Nobody in here is walking out alive,” Jack Reacher tells a warehouse full of henchmen. “Umm … what about you?” a henchman asks meekly. “What do you mean?” Reacher asks back. “Well,” the henchman begins, “if nobody in here is walking out alive, then does that mean you’re gonna die, too? Since you said ‘nobody,’ I mean.” A second henchman standing in the back chimes in: “Oh, man. He’s got a point, Jack. I think you misspoke.”
37. Jack Reacher: Against All Odds — Jack Reacher battles a crooked casino owner. [Jack Reacher is playing craps. He craps out.] “Looks like you lost again, Reacher,” the casino owner says to him. “Yeah, well, blackjack is my favorite casino game anyway,” Reacher says. “Why’s that?” the casino owner asks. Jack looks him in his eyes. “Because of all the hitting.”
38. Jack Reacher: Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing — Jack Reacher has a secret. Would you like to hear it? Come here. A little closer. Closer still. Get real close. Yeah, that’s it. That’s close enough. Here’s the secret: You’re dead. Jack Reacher just broke your neck because you got too close.
39. Jack Reacher: Have You Seen My Keys? — Jack Reacher can’t find his car keys.
40. Jack Reacher: Shipping Channel — Jack Reacher works at a shipping dock and he’s got a problem: What to do with all the dead bodies.
41. Jack Reacher: Firefight — Some guy broke into the San Diego Zoo and set fire to a baby panda. Now Jack Reacher’s gonna set fire to his ass.
42. Jack Reacher: For Whom the Bell Tolls — Death waits for no man. And neither does Jack Reacher.
43. Jack Reacher: YouTube Comments — Jack Reacher can’t believe how rude people are in the comment section of YouTube videos.
44. Jack Reacher: Was It Ocean’s Twelve or Ocean’s Thirteen That Al Pacino Was In? — Jack Reacher can’t remember if it was Ocean’s Twelve or Ocean’s Thirteen that Al Pacino was in.
45. Jack Reacher: Freak Me, Baby — Jack Reacher listens to ’90s R&B.
46. Jack Reacher: Paris Devastation — An emergency brings Jack Reacher to Paris. And then Jack Reacher brings Paris to its knees.
47. Jack Reacher: Oceans of Blood — Jack Reacher hits the high seas. Literally.
48. Jack Reacher: The End — The end is near. And it’s only the beginning.
49. Jack Reacher: Duck, Duck, Goose — A war criminal holds a class of elementary school students hostage. At the end of the movie, Jack Reacher and the criminal finally face off. The criminal is holding a little boy in front of him like a human shield. “Hey,” Reacher says to the criminal, “it’s time for recess.” “What?” the criminal says back. Reacher shoots him in the head. “Tag. You’re it.”
50. Jack Reacher: Without a Trace — A team of forensic scientists use their skills to make evidence of crimes disappear. Now Jack Reacher’s gonna make something disappear, too: His fist into their faces.
