It feels like centuries since Raven Gates made a music video to celebrate having an orgasm on the penultimate episode of the 21st season of The Bachelor. The curtain closed on that season in early March with Bachelor Nick Viall giving the final rose to Vanessa, also known as “the one everyone knew he was going to pick.” And even though Nick has managed to stay on television, these interim months have been chilly, bereft of Chris Harrison’s bracing smile, the calming whirl of helicopter blades, and foreverlove.
But finally, the winter of our lack of Bachelor content has ended. The biographies of the 31 men competing on the upcoming season of The Bachelorette were released Wednesday, officially signaling a restart to this glorious franchise’s unceasing cycle. Hope springs eternal, love once again feels possible, and if you listen closely, you can hear the sound of 31 overeager, wonderfully clueless, beefy men filing into limousines.
We’ve technically already met a few of the contestants — ABC brazenly trotted out four lackluster suitors in March as a way to keep people watching the “After the Final Rose” special — but really, you can’t truly know a man until you’ve read his answers to innocuous questions in a Bachelorette bio. How else are you going to know which contestant had a threesome on his birthday, or who has lip tattoos? These biographies are beautiful because of their predictive, insightful qualities. Before the last season of The Bachelor, freelance doula Liz terrifyingly answered the fill-in-the-blank question “If I never had to ______, I would be very happy,” with the words, “kill someone.” As it turned out, Liz was a bit of a clinger. If only we had taken her bio at face value.
At the same time, these bios act as road maps to an infinite amount of potential futures. At this moment, anything is possible. Any man — the one who idolizes Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or the one who had a bedroom accident with Tabasco hot sauce — could be the favorite or the next Chad. Our imaginations are allowed to run wild based on our subjective interpretations of the answers of these men and the pictures of them wearing slightly different colored V-neck T-shirts.
The bios are undefeated in providing bizarrely specific but mostly irrelevant information about the people who choose to put their lives on hold to “find love,” from which fans can make irrational snap judgments. Which is what we’ve done here. Sifting through the bios for this new crop of bachelors, we found the most compelling (and most concerning) details, along with some things that made us say, “Maybe modern civilization really is over,” but also, “This is culture’s greatest achievement.”
Most Popular Look
Congratulations, red V-necks! You win the great honor of being the shirt of choice among white bachelors with mildly varying haircuts.
On a more serious note, though, can we be totally sure the above men are actually different people? Specifically, it appears that Bryce (middle) changed his name to Bryan (right) after getting jaw surgery.
[Setting: Bachelorette house exterior — Night 1 — Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay waits to meet her suitors.]
[Man exits limousine wearing Neo’s sunglasses from The Matrix.]
Rachel: Hi, so nice to meet you! What’s your name?
Sunglasses Man: I’m [dramatically whips off sunglasses] Jack Stone.
[Fireworks go off.]
This man is the only Bachelor to provide his full name, and I honestly applaud the audacity. With a name like Jack Stone, though, you almost have to live your life with the surname getting equal billing. I bet Jack Stone went by Jack Stone in kindergarten.
It’s also unbelievably perfect that Jack Stone is an attorney. His name is begging to be in a cheesy local commercial where he stands in front of a green screen while the words “JACK” and “STONE” explode behind him before a poorly CGI’ed eagle screams overhead. Someone call up Barnes from Cellino & Barnes — I think we just found him his new partner.
Biggest Fan of Wolves
That’d be Jedidiah, who seems to feel extremely compelled to talk about wolves even though no one asked:
Tattoos: Cross on wrist, Proverbs 3:5 across back, wolf on left shoulder
WE GET IT, DUDE. Also? I just read the entire Wikipedia page on wolfdogs and it says that the Humane Society of the United States, the RSPCA, Ottawa Humane Society, the Dogs Trust, and the Wolf Specialist Group of the IUCN Species Survival Commission all consider wolfdogs to be wild animals and therefore unsuitable as pets. You may think you love wolves, Jedidiah, but your attempts to domesticate them suggest otherwise.
At least he’s honest.
That goes to Alex, the man without a soul.
Saying “music isn’t a big part of my life” is like when Wayne Brady told Liz Lemon in 30 Rock, “I’m just gonna get a salad. I really don’t care about food.” Coldplay is the salad of music, and saying you don’t care about music means you are a person incapable of joy.
Most Secretly Troubled Contestant
Anthony looks like a pretty cheery dude — he even claims to be “generally very positive.” But his answer to this question is … kinda dark.
For reference, some of the other gentlemen who were asked this question answered, “Chipotle” and, “Hot Cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream.” They seemed to understand the spirit of the question — that the point was to just be wacky and fun and whimsical. But not Anthony — this guy thought to himself, “Oh, well if I’m stuck on an island, better believe that shit’s going to kill me. My flesh is definitely gonna get eaten. That’s just my luck, SMH.” Anthony is a generally positive man who is secretly filled with dread, convinced that only the desert islands full of human-eating vegetation are in the cards for him. I hope Anthony wins, because he clearly needs a break.
Most Concerning Trend No. 1
Um, what the hell is up with all of the office boners? Here’s Iggy:
Personally, I’m most troubled by Fred’s answer and how he says he has to “go back to my desk.” Where is he when all of this is happening?! Specifically NOT at his desk?! I hope Fred really enjoys being on The Bachelorette, because he 100 percent does not have a job anymore.
Holy smokes, look at that thing. Jordan Rodgers is on the set of the SEC Network right now just fuming.
Most Concerning Trend No. 2
An astounding amount of these guys go out of their way to mention their mothers in these bios. We’ve got this answer from Blake K.:
Then there’s Fred saying his perfect date includes “my sisters and my mom” (pretty weird), and Anthony claiming that he’d like to be his mother for a day (Psycho-levels weird). I guess I understand a guy’s impulse to paint himself as a momma’s boy when answering questions that serve as a first impression to millions of women around the country. He thinks he’ll come off as sweet and sensitive and TOTAL BOYFRIEND MATERIAL. The problem is, guys sort of have a problem predicting how our actions will be perceived by the opposite sex. We think going hard on the mom stuff will make us look good, but it definitely does not. I instant-messaged a female coworker and asked her what she’d do if a date talked a lot about his mom and she said, “I will tell you with no reservations, that if a guy did that on a date, I would run for the hills.”
Then she kept typing: “That is a strong no go.”
And typing: “I’m physically uncomfortable thinking about it now.”
So, yeah: Lay off the mom talk, bachelors.
Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino Can’t Catch a Break
As if being indicted for tax evasion wasn’t bad enough, the Situation is (a) prominently featured in these bios for no apparent reason and (b) gets raked over the coals in them. First, Brady — who I should remind you, is a male model with a deep love for Lululemon sweatpants — says the Situation is the person he dislikes the most in the world because, “He’s just a total bro that I wouldn’t be able to stand.” Then there’s this answer from Lucas:
Really, Lucas? Of all the things in existence, the Situation would be the one thing you couldn’t tolerate on desert island — not cannibals, or cockroaches, or a radio station that played Eiffel 65’s “Blue” on loop 24 hours a day? You should have a chat with Anthony to gain some perspective — I’m sure he’d love to be on a desert island with the Situation, rather than be subjected to his chosen fate of flesh-eating Life of Pi plants.
This prestigious award goes to professional wrestler Kenny for this incredibly gross sequence of answers:
I’m sorry, but did Kenny just admit to cuckolding a man and then immediately transition into talking about his daughter? What happens when Kenny’s daughter is like, “Oh, the Bachelorette bios are up! I should see if my dad said anything nice about me!”?
Person I Already Hate (Who You Should Hate Too)
This is related to the last thing, because hating the Situation isn’t the worst thing about Lucas. It’s not even the third-worst thing. You want a ranking of the top three things I hate about Lucas (or at least his bio)? OK!
3. He would rather have sex with cartoons than real-life women:
2. This answer:
1. He listed his occupation as “Whaboom.” WHA. BOOM. What is “whaboom?” I don’t know, and you don’t know, either. That’s Lucas’s point — he thinks he’s being funny and intriguing and possibly subversive, but he’s none of these things. “Retired Nurse” is a thousand times better than this. “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer” is a million times better than this. Is it too late to replace Lucas with the Situation? I think all of Bachelor Nation could get behind this.