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Where Will Brock Osweiler’s First Texans Pass Go?

Consider anything short of an interception a success

Getty Images/Ringer illustration
Getty Images/Ringer illustration

The very first pass that Brian Hoyer threw as the quarterback of the 2015 Houston Texans was an interception. I follow football closely, so I can tell you with confidence that, more times than not, that’s the opposite of what a quarterback hopes to have happen with his first pass, or with any pass, really.

You might say, “Well, it was probably a good throw that just got tipped or bobbled by the receiver or something like that.” To that I would say, “No, he threw it directly at the defender.” And then you might say, “Yeah, right. Like anyone would ever do that.” And to that I would say [purses lips, pulls glasses down the bridge of my nose just enough to look at you over the top of them]:

To that you might say, “OK, but at least the Chiefs offense didn’t score a touchdown two plays later.” And to that I would say [purses lips again, pulls a second pair of glasses down the bridge of my nose just enough to look at you over the top of them again]:

And then you might say, “Fine, but it’s not as though those seven points were the difference in the game.” And to that I would say [purses lips yet again, pulls a third pair of glasses down the bridge of my nose just enough to look at you over the top of them, looks at you so hard that my eyes fall out of their sockets and onto the floor … at which point Brian Hoyer walks in, picks them up, then uses them to throw two more interceptions]:

Brian Hoyer is no longer the quarterback for the Texans. Now it’s Super Bowl champion Brock Osweiler. Brock and Roll. Brocked and Screwed. Brocked and Loaded. Do You Smell What the Brock Is Cooking? Brock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Glock Osweiler. Brocky Balboa. Brocky Marciano. Brocky and Bullwinkle. The Houston Brocket. Brocktoberfest. You Just Got Hit With the Brock Bottom. Brock the Kasbah. Brock You Like a Hurricane. Hard Brock Cafe. Plymouth Brock. Brock, Paper, Scissors. A Brockwork Orange. Brock It to Me. Brock Your Socks Off (or Knock Your Brocks Off).

There are so many more places to throw a football than “into the hands of a player on the opposing team.” I hope that Brock Osweiler chooses one of those instead for his first pass.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball into the hands of one of his receivers for his first throw, and not into the hands of a player on the opposing team. That would be incredible. I would be so happy with that. A pass to DeAndre Hopkins that he catches because it went to his hands and not the hands of a player on the opposing team? I would be ecstatic. Truly, honestly, though: I would be happy with a pass that hit any part of any body, so long as the body belonged to a player on his team. Legs, feet, elbow, belly button, neck, anything. “Hey, Brock. Great start today. You really whipped that ball into Braxton Miller’s neck on that first throw.” If a reporter was able to say that after the game, I would consider that a success, and certainly a far superior start to the season than last year’s.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball into the ground for his first throw, and not into the hands of a player on the opposing team. That would be incredible. I would be so happy with that. An intentional spike for his first throw? Throwing the ball at the ground behind his center? I would be ecstatic. Truly, honestly: I would be happy with any ground, so long as the ground was not the hands of a player on the opposing team. He could throw it at the ground behind the linebackers but before the safety, or the ground on either sideline. Those grounds would be great. He could throw it at the ground outside the stadium. He could throw it at a haunted burial ground. He could throw it at a pile of coffee grounds. He could throw it at ground beef. He could throw it at grounds for a mistrial or grounds for divorce. He could throw it at how when you get in trouble your parents ground you. A pass thrown to any of those grounds would be a success, and certainly a far superior start to the season than last year’s.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball into the stands for his first throw, and not into the hands of an opposing player. Or perhaps he will throw it at the forehead of a small child while he or she sings the national anthem, and not into the hands of an opposing player. Either of those two things would be better than last year.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball at a bird that startles him, and not into the hands of an opposing player. Perhaps the Texans will opt to play their first game with the stadium roof open, and Brock, hoping to impress the fans with his arm strength, will attempt to throw the ball to the sun. “Holy shit, did you see that?” a person in the stands will ask. “I think Brock just tried to throw the ball into outer space. I like this kid’s gusto.” A pass thrown out of the Milky Way would be a success, and certainly a far superior start to the season than last year’s.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball back in time or forward in time. “Marty McFly with the football; call that a Brock to the future,” Lil Wayne will rap.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball a birthday party, or maybe he’ll throw it a surprise party, or maybe he’ll throw it a going-away party, or maybe he’ll throw it a retirement party. If he chose any one of those throws for his first throw, it would be wonderful.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball through an open door, or into the blowhole of a whale? If he threw the ball into the blowhole of a whale I would be very excited, because it would lead to someone like Cris Collinsworth or Jon Gruden talking about a whale’s blowhole. “I’ve been around the league a long time,” Gruden would say, “and I’ve never seen anyone throw a football into a whale’s blowhole. This guy is special.” Ray Lewis would jump in, “All I know is that when the Ravens won the Super Bowl in 2001 and 2013, we allowed zero pass completions to whale blowholes. Do we really think Brock Osweiler could throw the ball into a whale’s blowhole against an elite defense? That remains to be seen.”

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball into a bucket filled with squid. (“What’s with this guy and sea life,” Lewis would say, exasperated, and his anti-Brock agenda would become clearer and clearer.) Perhaps Brock will throw the ball to himself in an alternate universe, and then after the game he’ll talk about how much he likes Jet Li’s movie The One.

Perhaps Brock will throw the ball out with the bathwater, or maybe he’ll throw the ball under the bus. Those would not be my first two options, but they would be preferable to throwing an interception. All of everything mentioned here would. So would basically anything else. The universe is gigantic.