Hi. Hello? Is this thing on? OK. Thanks for coming. We are gathered here today to discuss the NFL’s Color Rush uniforms, and the extent (100 percent; completely; right up to the brink and maybe a smidge past it) to which they are very good.
Oh, sorry, was that a boo? You over there, you disagree? Yeah, Roscoe, the heckler in the third row … thanks. Now, shut the fuck up and listen.
On Tuesday, the NFL released photos of the Color Rush uniforms that teams will wear during this season’s Thursday Night Football matchups, plus photos of the Color Rush uniforms that the teams not playing in those games will not wear, because hey, we’re already here, so. As in the past, these uniforms are blocky, fluorescent odes to the brightest shades of teams’ color palettes: chartreuse for the Seahawks, tangerine for the Dolphins, powder blue for the Titans, baby poop for the Jaguars. And, as before, they are goddamn glorious.
Color Rush should be a celebration, a time to stand out on your front porch and bang on pots and pans. Because we have been gifted with eyeballs that — well, actually, they’re pretty bad, as far as Earth eyeballs go; we can’t see any real distance or in the dark, and what little we can make out is often only visible to us only after we find contact lenses to correct for myopia/hyperopia/astigmatism/the generally bad and worsening state of one’s ability to distinguish shapes from shadows. I scratched my cornea when I was a kid and now I see a long, dark squiggle everywhere I look, because corneas don’t heal. The human eye could be better.
Anyway, the point is: We have the ability to see color embedded in our faces. This is rare, and special! For all of its failings, the human eye is still a marvel; its complexity was for many years used by creationists as proof of a higher power. The color receptors scattered at the back of a typical human eyeball mix up red and green and blue until we end up with 10 million different visible hues, which is not a lot for your average animal but is a whole lot more than a dog or cat can see. Our ancestors evolved to do this so that, as they shuffled across the plains, they could (a) find berries to eat and (b) find berries unlikely to lead to imminent death. If you are reading this, then hue-seeing served your ancestors well.
So now we have 32 of those hues, plus trimmings, upon which to gaze, the culmination of millions of years of steady evolution and maybe a marketing meeting or two. And you — you — are already complaining about it.
Why do you hate Color Rush uniforms? No, really, look into your heart and tell me why. Is it because they are weird? Is it because the pants are the same color as the shirts, and, my god, that simply is not done? Is it because they are different and too self-assured in their boldness? Have you willed yourself to abandon bright things and weird things to better fit in with the herd? Does this make the stability of your social patterns seem uncertain? Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Look, it’s very simple: Color Rush uniforms are here, and they are great.
Well, except for the Jaguars’. A person can only handle so much change.