Today, Taylor Swift’s representative confirmed that the pop superstar and noted liar had secretly written her ex-boyfriend Calvin “Who?” Harris’s hit single “This Is What You Came For.” Also today, Harris, a Scottish-born DJ and noted man who chose his stage name so people would think he was not white, somehow wrestled his phone away from concerned lackeys long enough to tweet.
He continued, “I figure if you’re happy in your new relationship you should focus on that instead of trying to tear your ex bf down for something to do.”
Then, after gazing approvingly at a mayonnaise-and-Wonderbread sandwich and whispering “handsome fellow” at it before realizing he was looking at a plate and not a mirror, Harris fired off another one:
“I know you’re off tour and you need someone new to try and bury like Katy ETC but I’m not that guy, sorry. I won’t allow it,” Harris tweeted.
Harris tweeted some more, but we don’t need to talk about that. Nor do we need to talk about how today is officially a global holiday (World I Won’t Allow It Day). What we do need to talk about, immediately, right now, I am agog, is this part of the tweet:
Two words. (Technically, one word and one all-caps abbreviation of a Latin phrase adopted by the English language.) An implied maelstrom of feuding, plotting, and malevolence. A free and willing admission from an ex-Swift intimate that Taylor’s #SQUADGOALS include blackhearted vendettas against at the very least Katy Perry and most likely many, many more poor souls who have had the misfortune to become inadvertent Eskimo sisters with Swift or else somehow wrong him. (Is there a less-racist term than “Eskimo sister”? Can we say “dick twins” or something?)
In case you blacked out after reading Harris’s tweets and your blackout affected the part of your brain devoted to remembering the celebrity feuds of yesteryear, the Katy Perry name drop is a reference to Swift and Perry’s long-rumored status as “straight-up enemies.”
But who is ETC? Here are some likely suspects:
John Mayer, Harry Styles, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, Joe Jonas, maybe Eddie Redmayne IDK
Crime against Taylor Swift: Dated her.
How Taylor tried to bury them: Writing songs about them or writing songs with lyrics vague enough that legions of teens would assume they were about those guys.
Did she bury them? Conor Kennedy will never again regain cultural relevancy, but everyone else is mostly OK.
Crime against Taylor Swift: Alleged boyfriend-stealing.
How Taylor tried to bury her: Swift’s song “Better Than Revenge” is allegedly about actress and eyebrow enthusiast Belle, who allegedly stole Joe Jonas from Swift.
Did she bury her? Maybe, although I’ve always assumed that Lily Collins locked Belle in a basement around 2013.
How Taylor tried to bury him: Lorde’s sass.
Did she bury him? Dating Calvin Harris is one of the rudest things anyone in the world can do to Diplo.
Crimes against Taylor Swift: High-profile acceptance-speech jacking; “Famous.”
Did she bury him? lol no.
Crime against Taylor Swift: Tweeted something Taylor Swift didn’t understand.
How Taylor tried to bury her: An ill-advised tweet.
Did she bury her? lol no.
Crime against Taylor Swift: Heroically informed GQ that Swift is a liar.
How Taylor tried to bury her: Ruthless, accusatory spokesperson statements in GQ.
Did she bury her? lol no.
Who knows how long this latest Swiftian Twitter mess will go on, but for now, it seems like OG Taylor nemesis Katy Perry has the last word: