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Did the 3–1 Collapse Convince Durant? Does Boogie Like Wings? Will Anyone High-Five D’Angelo Russell?

To get the answers, you have to ask the questions

Getty Images
Getty Images

We are in full NBA Preview mode over here at Ringer HQ, but we don’t want to lose sight of the other stories percolating in this embryonic NBA season. So for the sake of basketball and blogging, let’s do the news-and-notes thing, shall we?

Kevin Durant Is Happy the Warriors Blew a 3–1 Lead

Kevin Durant, who recently nuked the natural order of things by joining the Golden State Warriors, is happy that the Dubs lost in last year’s NBA Finals. But not in a petty, schadenfreude-y, prancing-around-the-bonfire-of-the-vanities sort of way, though I’m sure that after watching his own team buckle at the knees in the Western Conference finals, there was some of that, too.

Really, Golden State’s stupendous, monumental, historic collapse greased the skids for Durant to make his move to the Dubs. Had they closed the Cavaliers out on any of the three possible occasions, Harrison Barnes might’ve stuck around instead of gone elsewhere to get max money while shooting 2-of-14 from the field. Of course, Durant’s quote doesn’t really shore him up against the whole “coward” argument because he [Internet Hero Extremely Happy To Defend Basketball From The Vulgarities Of The Modern Era voice] WENT TO THE WARRIORS FOR OPEN LAYUPS. But whatever, because that was a crazy argument in the first place.

But you know what’s even crazier? There’s no way you can possibly know because I haven’t told you yet. But I’m so happy that you don’t know because that means I get to be the one to tell you. Are you ready? No? Too bad, here goes: The Warriors blew a 3–1 lead.*

*For now just let us have this joke. The Warriors are going to find a way to win 83 games in the regular season, and I’m aware that there are only 82.

Someone Please High-Five D’Angelo Russell

You know what the loneliest feeling in the world is? Being doubled over in laughter trying to explain da share z0ne in desperate gasps to a group of non-internet people.

You know what the second-loneliest feeling in the world is? Being left hanging. Especially in public. In full view of everyone. It’s mostly not personal, but it sort of is, you know? You lean in like aiight I’m out, peace and this person, whom you once called “friend,” turns their back to leave you with your hand outstretched as you gaze blankly into the middle distance, wondering where you could’ve possibly gone wrong. What did I do to make you hate me?

There’s a short answer to that for D’Angelo Russell (he broke the Bro Code) and a longer, more nuanced one (he betrayed his teammate’s trust, but the Bro Code ethos, when considered with regard to marital relationships, is kind of stupid). But when left hanging, Russell’s ability to recover is — I’m trying to think of a word other than heroic:

This looks like a man who’s ready to be given the keys to the franchise. Also, somebody, please, just give him a high five. Or a handshake. Or some acknowledgement that he’s, you know, there.

Maybe that’ll happen this season if he keeps having 33-point outings like the one against Denver on Sunday night? That’s not hard to imagine, given that the smart money’s on him being pretty damn good this season. But how good do you have to be to overcome such an astronomical party foul? Or to live down such a groan-worthy celebration as the “Ice in My Veins” thing?

Chandler “Stefon-Iman-James” Parsons

Needless to say, this “short shorts” thing is becoming a capital-T Thing, again.

Also, Vince Carter forever:

Jeremy Lin Just Doesn’t Like Soup, OK? GOSH.

Back in September, Jeremy Lin told GQ that he hates all soups. It seemed a little hasty and ridiculous because, like, what does he eat when he’s sick or when he’s a shivering stop-motion snowman who needs to thaw back into a human child?

Something else. Because Jeremy Lin just doesn’t like soup and doesn’t know how else to say it.

(I actually forgot that pho and ramen both count as soup and I am less accepting of this stance than I was before I remembered that.)

Joel Embiid Is Gonna Give Chandler Parsons BUCKETS

The Sixers play the Grizzlies on Tuesday night, and it’s a preseason game, and Embiid and Parsons are not going to be guarding each other, but why ruin something this great with facts?

Speaking of facts not being important …

Boogie Doesn’t Know Who Paul McCartney Is

DeMarcus Cousins doesn’t know who Paul McCartney is, which is totally fine because Paul McCartney didn’t invent the word “discriminize” and the Beatles didn’t make “Handsome and Wealthy.